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geekchic9 · 12-27-2008, 06:24 AM

I've made a too-common observation that my man prefers to pursue me and doesn't reward me initiating any type of social contact. He takes his time calling me back, for example. If I want to go out on a certain day, he's not sure. But if I ignore him for a few days, he misses me and calls me all the time and wants to see me in person ASAP. At one point, I felt confused about how I felt about him, so I went out on dates with a couple of other guys -- my guy and I weren't exclusive at that point and he knew about it. Suddenly, he started proclaiming his love for me and wanted to be a couple. Whoa!

Now, don't get me wrong: I think my guy is overall a good person, otherwise I wouldn't be dating him at all. And he seems very sincere about his feelings for me. In fact, I even wonder if he's consciously aware about what he's doing. In fact, we had a conversation about how my mom attracted my dad, and he said he didn't go for that sort of thing. I think if I pointed it out to him (probably not a good idea) he would deny it. Au contraire!

So, this gets me wondering if my mother, who has been married to her first love for over 30 years, and the women who wrote The Rules (remember that controversial book?) were right about playing hard to get. The issue is that I really care about this guy and I want something serious, but I hate playing these sort of mind games. To me, they feel so fake. I value equality and fairness and openness in relationships. I feel uncomfortable "calling the shots" like my mom puts it and getting them to bend over backwards with their time, money, gifts, etc. It offends the feminist in me. I am not a manipulator or a gold digger.

That said, I'm tempted to do a 30-day trial of playing hard to get (without telling him what is going on, of course) and seeing if what they suggest actually works. I just have qualms about it because it feels so unethical to me, because I would get what I want, not because they guy actually loves me, but because I manipulated him into thinking that. That, IMO, is no basis for a relationship.

Any advice?

12-27-2008, 06:24 AM	#1 (permalink)
geekchic9 Senior Member Join Date: Nov 2006 Posts: 270	Men and The Thrill of the Chase I've made a too-common observation that my man prefers to pursue me and doesn't reward me initiating any type of social contact. He takes his time calling me back, for example. If I want to go out on a certain day, he's not sure. But if I ignore him for a few days, he misses me and calls me all the time and wants to see me in person ASAP. At one point, I felt confused about how I felt about him, so I went out on dates with a couple of other guys -- my guy and I weren't exclusive at that point and he knew about it. Suddenly, he started proclaiming his love for me and wanted to be a couple. Whoa! Now, don't get me wrong: I think my guy is overall a good person, otherwise I wouldn't be dating him at all. And he seems very sincere about his feelings for me. In fact, I even wonder if he's consciously aware about what he's doing. In fact, we had a conversation about how my mom attracted my dad, and he said he didn't go for that sort of thing. I think if I pointed it out to him (probably not a good idea) he would deny it. Au contraire! So, this gets me wondering if my mother, who has been married to her first love for over 30 years, and the women who wrote The Rules (remember that controversial book?) were right about playing hard to get. The issue is that I really care about this guy and I want something serious, but I hate playing these sort of mind games. To me, they feel so fake. I value equality and fairness and openness in relationships. I feel uncomfortable "calling the shots" like my mom puts it and getting them to bend over backwards with their time, money, gifts, etc. It offends the feminist in me. I am not a manipulator or a gold digger. That said, I'm tempted to do a 30-day trial of playing hard to get (without telling him what is going on, of course) and seeing if what they suggest actually works. I just have qualms about it because it feels so unethical to me, because I would get what I want, not because they guy actually loves me, but because I manipulated him into thinking that. That, IMO, is no basis for a relationship. Any advice?