Big warm hug to you, aspiring.
You might want to let go of the phrase "put her down" and think of it as "setting her free." It is an act of love and generosity to let her go when it's time.
I don't know what she thinks, but my guess is that she has had an enviable life, full of love and cuddles and yummy cat food and freedom and catjoy. My guess is that she has really loved her life with you and she is more reluctant to leave YOU than to leave life. I suspect she is grateful to you for all the love, comfort, security, and food and that she'll be grateful to you for not requiring that she stay alive for you.
It's hard, huh? I'm so sorry you're hurting, and I send you lots of love.
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