[wolfgang]

did you double post this?

Originally Posted by Remorse

It's 3 days until Christmas and I'm bawling. I don't know anymore. I've never fit into my family very well and as I get older it just get worse and worse.
Recently I've been feeling this rejection to the point where I want to hurt myself because I feel so angry and bitter. I've never done it, aside from snapping rubber bands on my wrist, which doesn't count. I'll never cut myself, its just not something I believe in.
But I almost wish I would.

get as much help as you can. tell your family you need help. how old are you?

I have a bigger family, 2 parents 5 children,<-of which I am the 2nd. but there are only 2 I feel like I can confide in. My father and younger brother (but he taller than me so I call him my big brother). Without them I think I would have run away or seriously I would have done something awful.

I can't confide in any of my family. not that that makes any difference. Just saying, count this as a plus that you are close to any of them.

I am what they call the "screw-up" child. The least successful, not good looking (my family is all good looking but me), and most academically challenged.

Basically in my family (among the siblings) there is a system of ranking by who can achieve the most. Who is most loved/praised by their teachers, who has the best grades, who can please mom and dad the most.

happens a lot. maybe not all there is to life - competing for attention/approval from others. that you see it may be the key not being ruled by it.

I can't! My talents aren't good enough, the teachers that do like me my parents hate, and in school I'm just not good enough.

sometimes I think talent is just spending the time with it and the desire to drive it. don't blame "them" as not good enough (even if they are). Maybe you can spend time doing things you like doing and find your own satisfying talents that you don't care if others notice or not. that would feel free, don't you think?

I feel so desperate to belong somewhere, to be good enough to belong somewhere. It hurts so bad, I just don't want to do it anymore.

I thought you are in a family and have 2 siblings you are close too? That sounds like a belonging to me. The search for belonging is only a search when not recognizing that which you are already part (even if you judge what it is as not perfect). Well, that's philosophical and probably not good ideas for you, just replying in my way.