It's 3 days until Christmas and I'm bawling. I don't know anymore. I've never fit into my family very well and as I get older it just get worse and worse.
Recently I've been feeling this rejection to the point where I want to hurt myself because I feel so angry and bitter. I've never done it, aside from snapping rubber bands on my wrist, which doesn't count. I'll never cut myself, its just not something I believe in.
But I
almost wish I would.
I have a bigger family, 2 parents 5 children,<-of which I am the 2nd. but there are only 2 I feel like I can confide in. My father and younger brother (but he taller than me so I call him my big brother). Without them I think I would have run away or seriously I would have done something awful.
I am what they call the "screw-up" child. The least successful, not good looking (my family is all good looking but me), and most academically challenged.
Basically in my family (among the siblings) there is a system of ranking by who can achieve the most. Who is most loved/praised by their teachers, who has the best grades, who can please mom and dad the most.
I can't! My talents aren't good enough, the teachers that do like me my parents hate, and in school I'm just not good enough.
I feel so desperate to belong somewhere, to be
good enough to belong somewhere. It hurts so bad, I just don't want to do it anymore.
