[whim]

SO many times I've felt guilty that I dont really care about my dad or SHOW that I care about my dad. I don't really respect him because the flaws he has I have also, and in a way I blame him for giving me these flaws that I have to work so hard to improve on. I just wish I could look up to him and be proud of him in the way I want him to be. (perhaps it's a matter of reminding myself of his positives) But it's hard because he's so SLOW when I talk to him and I have to repeat everything I say twice, and he's so unknoweldgeable about things in life and I can't ask him things and learn things from him. He's just a lazy thinker like I am naturally, which I'm trying to work on. Anyways, he was diagnosed with cancer a few months ago, but had successful treatment and is going through chemo right now as a routine measure, but there is a low chance is cancer will come back. Because of this fact, I don't feel I need to really be concerned about it, and in a way I dont really show a whole lot that I care what he's going through. I do love him when it really comes down to it, and I feel that would only show when he's REALLY dying and when its probably too late and then I'd live with the guilt of not ever treating him the way I want to treat him. So my question is how do I move past the daily frustration with talking to him, and really treat him like I should treat my dad, so that when he really is gone I won't be burdened with guilt for never being there as a SON for him.

Thanks