The Grumpy Old Man Method
Deep down inside is there a grumpy old man trying to get out? Do you feel a compulsion to think about the good old days? Do you like prunes? Try the old man lifestyle!
When going out to eat, make sure to have your food returned after ordering. Make up a complaint and savor the feelings of selfworth you generate by not tolerating that overly salty soup, underly cooked oatmeal, or salad that just looks funny.
This valuable method has served old people for millenia, waiting the extra 15 minutes for your perfectly made food will curb your appetite and keep you slim. The food brought back to you may have new unappealing traits, likely spit, as well as undersalting, undercooking, and the that salad still looks kinda funny. Take this chance to complain about the new food, ask for the manager, or tell they waiter about how waiting was done in your day. Waiting that extra 30 minutes for your soup will still have you home in time for the wheel, and you'll be doing an invaluable service.
Complaining will burn 50 calories per minute, 75 if you shake your fist violently or shake your head back and forth with disapproval. Remember, young people are spoiled, and you are doing them an invaluable service by teaching them how to correctly make your meals! Feel good about the help you are giving others, one day when you are dead they will think about you and say "that old man was alright".
If you have an overwhelming desire to complain, make sure to couple it into all areas of your life. How is the weather today? Do the kids come awfully close to your lawn? How were things in the good old days? Complaining is excellent exercise, by flexing your diaphram and vocal cords you expend calories with each complaint uttered, and you teach others valuable lessons about how the world should be.
Do you like Shuffleboard? You're in luck! You can meet other grumpy old shuffleboard players at any local senior center! There you can calibrate your complaining abilities to new levels! Combining the exercise of shuffleboarding with the caloric expense of constant complaining will no doubt turn even the flabbiest of grumpy old men into a fit virile grumpy old man. Take pride in complaining about how flabby your grumpy old friends are, suggest they listen to your valuable advice, and complain when they don't.
Learn to love prunes. Prunes can turn even the most kindhearted old man into a grump in mere days! The old wrinkled exteriors of Prunes are packed with phytogrumples, anti-anti-aging neurowrinkles, and fiber! Prunes will give you a valuable food to suggest to others, and also plenty of prune related side-effects to complain about! "You kids should eat more prunes. In my day we all ate prunes, we ate them when the seasons were changing, back then we had morals and didn't swear so much, you kids.." You can use prunes as a great jumping point for more complaining!
I'm tired of writing these diets for you unappreciative internet viewers. In my day we didn't have the internet, and people would walk 5 miles in the snow just to hear me talk about them! You don't call enough either. Or eat enough prunes for that matter. In my day everyone ate prunes. We called them grapes, Hitler had stolen the word prunes from us, back in my day people weren't so fat, probably from all the prunes, what was I talking about? Get off my lawn.
Last edited by RRR; 12-17-2008 at 11:07 PM.