Personal Development for Smart People Forums - View Single Post - Concerned that my low self esteem is ruining relationship

margarita · 12-13-2008, 10:32 PM

Your story is so familiar that it sent shivers down my spine. I am in the exact same position as you except I'm on the receiving end - met my boyfriend a year ago - started dating him about a year later. 2 1/2 months in the relationship he started acting the same way as you.

Because the story is almost identical, I feel like it's not necessary to get into details about my situation but suffice to say, I care about him deeply but it was too difficult to deal with his negative energy. He said some horrible things that provoked me to break-up with him, in some ways I'm grateful because it was emotionally exhausting being with someone with such low self-esteem. It was getting to the point where he was "projecting" his feelings on to me: criticizing me and lashing out to restore his own ego. I recognized the toxicity and removed myself from the situation after trying to talk to him about it a couple of times.

He has acknowledged that he has feelings of low self-worth and trust issues with women. He saw a therapist briefly years back, said it was very helpful, but that fell apart because he found out his mother was talking to therapist about his problems so he stopped after only two sessions. He was hurt badly by the two most significant women in his life: his first love and his mother. Since then, he has never really dealt with the emotional pain and has suppressed it for more than five years.

I am the first girl he's met since his last serious relationship who he really cares about. He has been smitten with me since day 1. But by the 3rd month, his low self-esteem really started to show, as did his repressed anger, massive insecurities, and high levels of stress with work made him moody and hypercritical. Trivial events would trigger harsh emotional outbursts and I started walking on eggshells.

I have not spoken to him in a week. I am very upset that he has pushed me away. When we last spoke, he admitted that he has not confronted the demons that plague him and I suggested therapy might be helpful because it is evident that he has a "heavy pain body" as Eckhart Tolle would say.

He feels I am too smart & beautiful and fit and together to be with him - his words "when I met you I thought you were out of my league - I want to make sure I keep you happy so that you don't leave me; he feels like he hasn't achieved the level of success financially/careerwise that he should; he feels really insecure about the modest apt he lives in vs. me who lives a nice condo by the beach. I am happy, emotionally well-adjusted, confident, take care of myself and am very presentable, know what I want, don't get rattled easily by others, well-liked, successful (not financially but in other ways - had the courage to become a freelancer, etc). In this past month with him, I can honestly say he feels the opposite. By merely being around him, I think I might trigger his insecurities!! I can't not be myself for heaven's sake!! Needless to say, I think he is amazing, doing really well in his career, etc. But HE doesn't, and that's the difference. I think he feels inadequate and then takes me down a notch to augment his own self-worth. He's made some scathing, cruel comments to me, about me. When I told my close friends, they couldn't believe he was grasping at straws and pinning it on me that the we are so "different". The reality is we're very compatible and smitten with each other and he's coming up with excuses about why we'll never work.

Reading your post has helped me understand what he might be going through in his head but it has not helped me heal my heart. I miss him very much and want the happy, go lucky, confident man back.

Do I just stay away to protect myself and leave him alone to work through his issues? Should I approach him and fight for our relationship, offering to support him through this time? I am so confused and miss him dearly. Deep down, he is a sweet, caring, amazing man and I know that the way he has been behaving recently, isn't really the "real" him.

JessieJen - I would really love to hear your thoughts. I hope you see my post.

12-13-2008, 10:32 PM	#13 (permalink)
margarita Junior Member Join Date: Dec 2008 Posts: 1	Need your advice JessieJen Your story is so familiar that it sent shivers down my spine. I am in the exact same position as you except I'm on the receiving end - met my boyfriend a year ago - started dating him about a year later. 2 1/2 months in the relationship he started acting the same way as you. Because the story is almost identical, I feel like it's not necessary to get into details about my situation but suffice to say, I care about him deeply but it was too difficult to deal with his negative energy. He said some horrible things that provoked me to break-up with him, in some ways I'm grateful because it was emotionally exhausting being with someone with such low self-esteem. It was getting to the point where he was "projecting" his feelings on to me: criticizing me and lashing out to restore his own ego. I recognized the toxicity and removed myself from the situation after trying to talk to him about it a couple of times. He has acknowledged that he has feelings of low self-worth and trust issues with women. He saw a therapist briefly years back, said it was very helpful, but that fell apart because he found out his mother was talking to therapist about his problems so he stopped after only two sessions. He was hurt badly by the two most significant women in his life: his first love and his mother. Since then, he has never really dealt with the emotional pain and has suppressed it for more than five years. I am the first girl he's met since his last serious relationship who he really cares about. He has been smitten with me since day 1. But by the 3rd month, his low self-esteem really started to show, as did his repressed anger, massive insecurities, and high levels of stress with work made him moody and hypercritical. Trivial events would trigger harsh emotional outbursts and I started walking on eggshells. I have not spoken to him in a week. I am very upset that he has pushed me away. When we last spoke, he admitted that he has not confronted the demons that plague him and I suggested therapy might be helpful because it is evident that he has a "heavy pain body" as Eckhart Tolle would say. He feels I am too smart & beautiful and fit and together to be with him - his words "when I met you I thought you were out of my league - I want to make sure I keep you happy so that you don't leave me; he feels like he hasn't achieved the level of success financially/careerwise that he should; he feels really insecure about the modest apt he lives in vs. me who lives a nice condo by the beach. I am happy, emotionally well-adjusted, confident, take care of myself and am very presentable, know what I want, don't get rattled easily by others, well-liked, successful (not financially but in other ways - had the courage to become a freelancer, etc). In this past month with him, I can honestly say he feels the opposite. By merely being around him, I think I might trigger his insecurities!! I can't not be myself for heaven's sake!! Needless to say, I think he is amazing, doing really well in his career, etc. But HE doesn't, and that's the difference. I think he feels inadequate and then takes me down a notch to augment his own self-worth. He's made some scathing, cruel comments to me, about me. When I told my close friends, they couldn't believe he was grasping at straws and pinning it on me that the we are so "different". The reality is we're very compatible and smitten with each other and he's coming up with excuses about why we'll never work. Reading your post has helped me understand what he might be going through in his head but it has not helped me heal my heart. I miss him very much and want the happy, go lucky, confident man back. Do I just stay away to protect myself and leave him alone to work through his issues? Should I approach him and fight for our relationship, offering to support him through this time? I am so confused and miss him dearly. Deep down, he is a sweet, caring, amazing man and I know that the way he has been behaving recently, isn't really the "real" him. JessieJen - I would really love to hear your thoughts. I hope you see my post. Last edited by margarita; 12-13-2008 at 10:46 PM.