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wellbeing · 12-13-2008, 06:19 PM

I've used a variation of Cristal Lily's method (I'm not much of a swearer or shouter) from time to time and I can say I've found that stopping the spiral before it starts does have its benefits at times.

However, I wonder if you might benefit from examining these moments in the name of self-learning. When these thoughts appear, can you detach enough emotionally from their content to explore these beliefs? What do you mean when you think this? What will that get you by having these thoughts? Is that what you want to achieve? Where did you learn this belief? Can you remember the first (or earlier) time you experienced this belief? Or this feeling? How did creating this belief help you at that time? Do you still get this (or a better benefit) from having this belief now? etc.

I would, in following my own "prescription," examine the reality of my belief: "Why would she go to the trouble of 'faking an interest' in me? To what end? Does that really benefit her?" [and let me interject that I would strongly suggest that blaming someone for the misdeeds of others might be a habit you might not want to get into] "Do I want to be involved with a woman who 'fakes' anything? And so what, if she doesn't call? What's the worst thing that can happen if she doesn't call? Really? Can I live with that?"

I have found it helpful to "lower the stakes" a bit when dating. One of the ways I've done this is by refusing to label any undesirable outcome as "rejection" but instead as an opportunity to learn something. Or as a "mismatch of agendas." For instance, she may have, on her list of qualities for her Ideal Mate, "available" (or "instant gratification" or whatever) which was not satisfied in your post. You might have on your list of qualities something like "understanding" (or "can accomodate 'crazy' schedules" etc.) It's nothing personal on either of your parts; it doesn't make either of you bad in any way. It's just that you're both looking for things that the other isn't able to give. (Anymore than you'd be able to--to pick an absurd example--if she had on her list "Female". You see?)

I've gone on for long enough but let me leave you with one of my favourite sayings: "Only a rug benefits from a good beating." Remember, this is dating; we do it for fun.

12-13-2008, 06:19 PM	#5 (permalink)
wellbeing Senior Member Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 176	I've used a variation of Cristal Lily's method (I'm not much of a swearer or shouter) from time to time and I can say I've found that stopping the spiral before it starts does have its benefits at times. However, I wonder if you might benefit from examining these moments in the name of self-learning. When these thoughts appear, can you detach enough emotionally from their content to explore these beliefs? What do you mean when you think this? What will that get you by having these thoughts? Is that what you want to achieve? Where did you learn this belief? Can you remember the first (or earlier) time you experienced this belief? Or this feeling? How did creating this belief help you at that time? Do you still get this (or a better benefit) from having this belief now? etc. I would, in following my own "prescription," examine the reality of my belief: "Why would she go to the trouble of 'faking an interest' in me? To what end? Does that really benefit her?" [and let me interject that I would strongly suggest that blaming someone for the misdeeds of others might be a habit you might not want to get into] "Do I want to be involved with a woman who 'fakes' anything? And so what, if she doesn't call? What's the worst thing that can happen if she doesn't call? Really? Can I live with that?" I have found it helpful to "lower the stakes" a bit when dating. One of the ways I've done this is by refusing to label any undesirable outcome as "rejection" but instead as an opportunity to learn something. Or as a "mismatch of agendas." For instance, she may have, on her list of qualities for her Ideal Mate, "available" (or "instant gratification" or whatever) which was not satisfied in your post. You might have on your list of qualities something like "understanding" (or "can accomodate 'crazy' schedules" etc.) It's nothing personal on either of your parts; it doesn't make either of you bad in any way. It's just that you're both looking for things that the other isn't able to give. (Anymore than you'd be able to--to pick an absurd example--if she had on her list "Female". You see?) I've gone on for long enough but let me leave you with one of my favourite sayings: "Only a rug benefits from a good beating." Remember, this is dating; we do it for fun.