Personal Development for Smart People Forums - View Single Post - Spouses/live-ins, separate beds?

pyrogen · 12-11-2008, 07:56 AM

My situation is this...

Two weeks ago, my live-in partner and I got back together after being broken up for about a month and a half. During that time, we had separate rooms and slept apart.

He doesn't want to go back to sharing a bed full-time. He says he can't do it two nights in a row. Every other night is OK. He says he doesn't sleep well with me there because I'm not a good sleeping companion... wake him up, steal the covers etc. He says I end up in the middle of the bed with him being pushed to the edge, I flop all over him, crowd him in the bed, throw my arms and legs all over him in the night (when dead asleep).

He's not a good sleeping companion either, by his definition - he talks in his sleep, has nightmares, wakes up frequently in middle of night - but I put up with it because sleeping together is a very special experience for me. I still sleep better *with* him, then I do without. I'd rather put up with his talking in his sleep than not sleep with him. Actually, I don't sleep well WITHOUT him. I had severe insomnia before we got together.

He feels like he wants sleeping together to be special and something we invite each other to do, not something to take for granted.

This is a real sore spot between us.

I feel like the whole point of having a spouse/full time partner is so you can take sleeping together for granted.

A recent argument had to do with whether or not we were going to make love on our "sleep-apart" night. Last time previous, was a sleep-apart night. I actually stopped foreplay to ask if I was going to be staying in the bed afterward. I just couldn't go through with it until that was clarified, it felt totally wrong to me. I don't want to have sex if I'm not goin to share the bed afterward. I explained that I feel really vulnerable after sex and I will feel sad if I go off to my room. This kind of set off a bomb. He felt guilt-tripped out of his alone night, he felt manipulated. I feel like I'm not being emotionally connected with.

I work as a caregiver for three consecutive twenty four hour shifts, and so by his schedule, we only sleep together two nights a week.

12-11-2008, 07:56 AM	#1 (permalink)
pyrogen Banned Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: Northern California Posts: 3,030	Spouses/live-ins, separate beds? My situation is this... Two weeks ago, my live-in partner and I got back together after being broken up for about a month and a half. During that time, we had separate rooms and slept apart. He doesn't want to go back to sharing a bed full-time. He says he can't do it two nights in a row. Every other night is OK. He says he doesn't sleep well with me there because I'm not a good sleeping companion... wake him up, steal the covers etc. He says I end up in the middle of the bed with him being pushed to the edge, I flop all over him, crowd him in the bed, throw my arms and legs all over him in the night (when dead asleep). He's not a good sleeping companion either, by his definition - he talks in his sleep, has nightmares, wakes up frequently in middle of night - but I put up with it because sleeping together is a very special experience for me. I still sleep better with him, then I do without. I'd rather put up with his talking in his sleep than not sleep with him. Actually, I don't sleep well WITHOUT him. I had severe insomnia before we got together. He feels like he wants sleeping together to be special and something we invite each other to do, not something to take for granted. This is a real sore spot between us. I feel like the whole point of having a spouse/full time partner is so you can take sleeping together for granted. A recent argument had to do with whether or not we were going to make love on our "sleep-apart" night. Last time previous, was a sleep-apart night. I actually stopped foreplay to ask if I was going to be staying in the bed afterward. I just couldn't go through with it until that was clarified, it felt totally wrong to me. I don't want to have sex if I'm not goin to share the bed afterward. I explained that I feel really vulnerable after sex and I will feel sad if I go off to my room. This kind of set off a bomb. He felt guilt-tripped out of his alone night, he felt manipulated. I feel like I'm not being emotionally connected with. I work as a caregiver for three consecutive twenty four hour shifts, and so by his schedule, we only sleep together two nights a week.