Hi everyone. This is my first post and I really need some outside input. I have only been married 7 months and I am currently very worried that I got married for the wrong reasons.
Before we married we had been together for a year, my wife had already asked me to marry her a few times but I had not been ready. Then one day when the opportunity arouse I just said Yes and we eloped right away. I said yes because I felt like I needed to finally make a commitment. I loved her, she was helping make my life better, and there was nothing in our relationship that was negative. I never had an "I know she is the one" moment, or a major spark. It was just a steady, loving, friendly relationship. At the time I felt that, that is the way it is supposed to be, just find someone who is great.
During the first 4 months of our marriage I felt completely committed. Whenever she did something that didn't align with my mentality I was understanding and felt that as our lives got better, the complaining and judgment would subside.
However in the past few months I have found it harder and harder to practice love as a verb. When I plan trips with her its as if I am not sure I really want to do it. When we have dates I feel like I don't really want to be doing this. This loss of commitment has resulted recently in my inability to accept her judgmental, and critical mind. I find it very hard to listen to her complain about people in her life or people she works with. When she criticizes me I have responded in ways that is less than desirable, and this has caused us to recently have major fights.
As we have been becoming more serious about having kids, I know that I need to address this before we do that. The last thing I want to do is have kids in the picture if I am not completely committed to this marriage.
I can definitely say I still love her. But I feel no spark, and less and less romance. I found Steve's article on
how to Decide when to end a long term relationship And I answered no to two deal breakers...
Do you feel a unique sexual attraction to your partner? If there’s no spark, there’s no point in staying. --- I have been sexual attracted to her obviously but its never been different or unique or had "that spark".
And
Do you see yourself when you look in your partner’s eyes? I can't say that I do, I think we see the world in an entirely different light. Its half empty versus half full on this one.
In the end I still love her and I still have a great deal of fun with her, but if we were not married right now I would definitely say I would not be ready to marry her.
I actually brought some of this up to her last night. I let her know for the first time that I was questioning my decision to marry and didn't know what to do about it. I let her know for the first time how every time she talks negatively talks about other people it really bothers me. And I have never been able to stand nonconstructive criticism that she continues to give me.
After the initial shock, she was actually amazingly calm about my revelations, and began looking for solutions, like seeing a therapist and doing marriage counseling. She also told me she would work on herself and try to change these things for me. This has given me more hope but I still worry that no matter how much I work on this I will never be on the same mental wavelength and never feel a true connection with her. I also don't know if its the right thing to do, to try to change who she is, especially with the motivation being my own preferences.
I appreciate you taking the time to read this and any input you may have.