I don't have any experience with this - except with teenagers - but something struck me from your post. It sounds like you are both very separate from one another. His laundry, my laundry, his bills, my bills... How much connection do you have? I have a feeling if you let some of the aggravations go, and focused on creating connection, things would flow between you better.
I think, if he's in recovery, a large part of him IS still a teen.
Something that works with cleaning and my kids - "Hey! Let's go take care of your laundry!" "This living room is awful! Let's pile the books up here, and we'll pick up the trash." WE. US. LET'S. I make it a connecting activity as much as I'm able. I don't do that when they're in the middle of something. I don't tell them to do it. I was about to write, nor do I do it for them, but plenty of times, I do. I love them, and want their home comfortable. We all have a pretty high tolerance for clutter and mess, but sometimes, I get on a roll, and start clearing! That's my choice, because it's how I want the house. It's my gig, so I don't mind doing it. I've noticed as my oldest has gotten older, he's MUCH more likely to just clean something himself, or help out even when I don't ask.
I don't know if any of that is helpful, but I wanted to share my impressions!
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