Personal Development for Smart People Forums - View Single Post - My man

funchy · 12-04-2008, 09:35 PM

You cannot "fix" or change anyone else. When you truly understand that, your life will get much easier because decisions will be crystal-clear.

You have two choices: accept him as-is or move on.

If he felt that you were his soul-mate would he really be treating you this way? It sounds like he doesn't appreciate you. It also sounds like he's enjoying getting free maid service, his bills paid, and a personal chef.

Does he not realize a relationship is work, and by that I mean both partners need to contribute? He is not upholding his job as a partner. This is about him respecting you and fulfilling his role as partner.

Here's what might happen: You're going to stay with him. Slowly the resentment will build. When you confront him, he'll sulk (The Clam) and make you feel like you were wrong for bringing it up. You'll feel worse about yourself because he's your soulmate. You'll think you must not deserve better treatment if this is the best your soulmate will do. You may feel depressed or powerless sometimes. Sometimes you'll feel overwhelmed because eveything is your job and it's not worth his Temper Tantrum to get his help. Eventually you'll end up hating him and hate yourself.

I've dealt with Clams before. They control the situation by making it so you don't want to bring up difficult issues. I eventually learned that only works if you give in to The Clam. Ask him to sit down so you can talk (in a non-confrontation low-blame sort of way). If he doesn't reply or he starts to sulk, fine, but you need to have your say. Then explain how you're at your limit and you simply cannot do his X, Y, and Z any more. Maybe he won't have anything to say immediately. Maybe he needs time to ponder it, or maybe he does hope you'll give up. And then from that point on you need to be strong; you need to stop doing X, Y, Z for him. If he doesn't want to pay his utility bills then LET HIM! It's his credit rating, not yours. If he doesn't want to have clean clothes LET HIM! It's his stinky body odor. On the shared things, find ways to do your own wash and cooking without letting his laziness interfere....but stop enabling his laziness. Why not put him 100% in charge of dishes and you 100% in charge of laundry? If he wants to be lazy about dirty dishes, he can, but he'll find himself without clean plates when it's dinnertime.

It sounds like this isn't a partnership. It sounds like here is a man who is living like the irresponsible teenager and you're the diligent mamma bird who is taking care of all of his needs. That's not fair, and it's only going to get worse.

You CANNOT change him -- don't forget that.

Good luck to you.

12-04-2008, 09:35 PM	#2 (permalink)
funchy Senior Member Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: east coast, USA Posts: 1,410	You cannot "fix" or change anyone else. When you truly understand that, your life will get much easier because decisions will be crystal-clear. You have two choices: accept him as-is or move on. If he felt that you were his soul-mate would he really be treating you this way? It sounds like he doesn't appreciate you. It also sounds like he's enjoying getting free maid service, his bills paid, and a personal chef. Does he not realize a relationship is work, and by that I mean both partners need to contribute? He is not upholding his job as a partner. This is about him respecting you and fulfilling his role as partner. Here's what might happen: You're going to stay with him. Slowly the resentment will build. When you confront him, he'll sulk (The Clam) and make you feel like you were wrong for bringing it up. You'll feel worse about yourself because he's your soulmate. You'll think you must not deserve better treatment if this is the best your soulmate will do. You may feel depressed or powerless sometimes. Sometimes you'll feel overwhelmed because eveything is your job and it's not worth his Temper Tantrum to get his help. Eventually you'll end up hating him and hate yourself. I've dealt with Clams before. They control the situation by making it so you don't want to bring up difficult issues. I eventually learned that only works if you give in to The Clam. Ask him to sit down so you can talk (in a non-confrontation low-blame sort of way). If he doesn't reply or he starts to sulk, fine, but you need to have your say. Then explain how you're at your limit and you simply cannot do his X, Y, and Z any more. Maybe he won't have anything to say immediately. Maybe he needs time to ponder it, or maybe he does hope you'll give up. And then from that point on you need to be strong; you need to stop doing X, Y, Z for him. If he doesn't want to pay his utility bills then LET HIM! It's his credit rating, not yours. If he doesn't want to have clean clothes LET HIM! It's his stinky body odor. On the shared things, find ways to do your own wash and cooking without letting his laziness interfere....but stop enabling his laziness. Why not put him 100% in charge of dishes and you 100% in charge of laundry? If he wants to be lazy about dirty dishes, he can, but he'll find himself without clean plates when it's dinnertime. It sounds like this isn't a partnership. It sounds like here is a man who is living like the irresponsible teenager and you're the diligent mamma bird who is taking care of all of his needs. That's not fair, and it's only going to get worse. You CANNOT change him -- don't forget that. Good luck to you.