Pfff.... I hate you Steve
I've been trying to avoid this thread but I can't. There's something I feel I have to admit if I want to align with Truth. And I want to align with Truth. I consider myself a very open person and have no problem talking about all kinds of details and weaknesses of my life publicly - but this one thing, damn! I'd prefer to hide it forever.
So here it is: when I was a kid I was the kind of kid that nobody likes and others make collectively fun of every time they can. I was never invited to parties or other social events. I got hit, laughed at, thrown stones at, etc. When I was 12 or 13, I don't remember exactly, the others at school organized a show, with dance, theater etc, and an entry fee, to collect some money for a well-known charity. I wasn't allowed to participate. For weeks I heard them talk enthusiastically about the rehearsals but I never even saw the show. But then, they gave
me the whole money they had collected and asked me to give it to this charity because I was well-known for my strong sense of little-adult-responsibility.
And instead of donating this money to this charity, I threw it into a garbage can.
I promised to myself that "When I'll have forgiven all this, I'll give it back." Whatever this means.
In the last years I've felt tempted to give this money back many times, but every time it felt more like wanting to get rid of my guilt and shame at last than like really being at peace with it and genuinely giving back what I had taken. I kinda felt that the moment hadn't come. The biggest reason for that is, I guess, that I still don't feel truly sorry for what I did!
So, it's out now. I don't feel relieved!
