I know, I know... This look like the typics teenage rambling, but I assure you this isn't it. For the last months, I've been thinking of asking for advice on this, but I refrained myself. Now, I just don't know what to do anymore, so I'm turning to you, guys (and gals).
Background
My father had a rough infancy. But that's it. Beated up when screwed up and the like. Pretty traditional.
My mother... Awful infancy. Her father would beat her up and her sisters, sexually abuse some of them, and even killed a two-year-old baby (indirect means). He scarred most of them for life. My mother is, for sure, scarred for life. She was a top student in school, and wanted to be a judge. Her father didn't even allow her to go for high-school.
My family has no friends. Nobody ever comes visit, and we never go visit anyone. We're just here. My parents work, get home, and then go to work again. That's their life, and they are proud they're leading a miserable, though honest, life. Now, the honest part is great, but they're the ones who are making themselves miserable.
My infancy (till I hit 16)
I was a depressed kid. Totally disconnected from reality. What I saw on TV was what I expect to get.
I went to school with used, large clothes, and a '60s hair. I was a spineless kid, who allowed everyone to run over me. The friends I managed to get, kinda dropped me out because I was too much of a loser. I don't censure them, they were right.
The time I hated the most were the Summer Vacations. I used to get home from school, and don't leave for 3 months straight. 3 months straight in front of the TV. That was it.
The older I was getting, the more depressed I was becoming. People were getting friends, girlfriends, having fun... Living life. Not me. I was watching TV. And my parents never cared for how I felt. They were happy I was a spineless kid, who topped the class, and never caused any problems. I was a joke at school. Even a cousin I had there beated me up.
I was almost 16. No friends, no girlfriend, no life. Then came the internet. One day, I was feeling down, went to google and typed something like "How to get a girlfriend". And that was it. Self-improvement slammed against my head. I read, I read, I read, and then I read some more. And I realized that I was the one in control of my life, and it was wrong to blame anyone for anything. I was in control.
Now
One year later, here I am. Lots of improving to do - but I'm happy. For the first time in my life. I dress well, I look good, I have friends, I have invitations to go out, I've met a sweet, sweet pretty girl whom I like very much (even though I never kissed a girl) and.. I'm happy. I'm working towards my goals. I'm constructing the life that I want. I'm proud of myself. I'm one of the best students in school, I have friends, people like me, people RESPECT me... I tell you, if my past-self looked to me, he would never believe we once were the same.
My parents don't like this. They never knew how I felt. They never... you know, really cared. My father didn't even knew wich grade I was attending. And I'm OK with that. But now it's different. They don't forbid me of going out, or of having friends or being happy. They make me feel guilty of it. It's destroying me inside.
I don't know what to do. I don't want my parents to keep on telling how much I suck, but if I do what they want, I'll lead the life I hate. I'm a responsible kid. I don't smoke, I don't get trashed, I don't wear scandalous clothes, I don't judge people, I have great grades, I help at home... I spend my vacations looking after my younger brother.
"You're worthless."
"You'll never be anything in life."
"Goddamit, stay at home!"
"You're so stupid. I bet you won't be able to perform in bed with your wife (that is, if you ever get one!). Will you want me to take care of it for you?" [in another words]
"You'll never be as good as your friends."
"You'll never be anything, because we're not rich, you know?"
I want my parents to respect me, to like me. But I want to grow, and they're not letting. It feels like... emotional blacmail.
"Oh... you're going out? But... there's so much to do around here... But go, if you really want to." - This while doing the depressed face and such.
I really tried to make this work. I tried to conciliate my growth with what my parents expect of me. It just doesn't work. They don't expect me to really have friends (as they don't have any - and I really mean it when I say it), they don't expect me to have fun and dreams. Those things are for kids living in rich families, they say.
I deserve to be happy, to have friends and a girlfriend. I deserve to choose what kind of person I want to be. And I'm living a happy and responsible life, now. And the only people who try to put me down are inside my family. I even get criticised for looking good!
"Oh... You're looking good. Do you think you live in a rich family to walk around like that?"
Please, some insight into this. As to please my family, I'm losing the life that makes me happy. It's so sad. I'm happy, I get shot down. I please them, I don't go out once in my vacations, I get depressed... And they just ignore me. Like they never cared. I don't want to sacrifice my dreams.
I'm thinking of living it all, even though that is going to make all of my family shoot me down.
Sorry for the monster post, and thanks for reading through all of it. =)
P.S: Sorry if it's a bit confusing. I wrote it after the night ritual of insulting me - so, yeah.
