| | Close to release
I believe that I am close to a final release of the ego. More and more, I've been realizing that thoughts and feelings are all distractions from IT, IT being that unnameable unspeakable force of existence. I've been experiencing a nearly continuous dull sense of frightened anticipation, similar to the feeling that I get right before I give a public speech, but I have nothing concrete to be nervous about.
There are times when I am feeling/doing/experiencing a sense releasing, only to become distracted by what I can only describe as panic. I get a tremendous sense of foreboding, my breathing becomes quick and shallow, and I get a hot prickly sensation that I discovered after a little research is associated with panic attacks. The novelty of this sensation becomes distracting at the time, but I'm convinced that when I finally become able to let go of it that there will be something final behind it. After these episodes, things become clearer. Sights and sounds somehow become more real, more pure. Relationships become more meaningful and I just get a sense of what I can only call love from the smallest things.
I'm writing this asking for guidance, if any can be given. I have a feeling that I am beyond advice at this point, and have to make the final leap as myself, but I am willing to listen to anything anyone has to add that could be helpful.