Hi Everyone,
I'm in a bind with my boyfriend, again. We fight a lot, especially lately, and this evening just added to the tension we've felt. Pretty much all of our fights stem from the fact that I don't trust him. He says that I should, that he's not doing anything untrustworthy. But my untrust is not unsolicited. He drinks a lot (when people are drunk they do stupid things), he has cheater friends (which I've witnessed), and prior to dating seriously we dated very casually during which time he was messing around with other girls simultaneously (one of them being his ex ~ who will come back into play again in a moment here) and he has a history of cheating on girlfriends.
Last week I happened to come to the computer and see his e-mail box open. I could have closed it, but decided to read his sent mail instead, which contained a forward to his ex girlfriend. Maybe that was my first mistake, but I'm only human
All it contained was a video link, but nonetheless I was perturbed. I don't talk to any exes at all. And if I did, I'm certain he'd go nuts. Anyways, I waited a couple of days to confront him, because I wasn't sure that it was a big deal. Finally, I asked him about it this evening and he admitted that they spoke, about every three months or so.
Then I caught him in a lie too... He told me that she'd learned about a death in the family from his brother's girlfriend, and that's why she called.... But I confirmed with his brother's girlfriend (who is a good friend of mine) and she said that she hasn't talked to this girl in ages, and definitely didn't inform her of the death.
Due to my lack of trust, I have to think that they probably talk more frequently than he said. But frequency doesn't matter, I don't want them talking at all. I was livid. He wouldn't talk with me about it, and told me that he's allowed to talk to whom ever he wants, that he likes talking to her, and that they are adults and that I need to grow up. Finally, I admitted to him that this all stems from the fact that I don't trust him at all (based on the reasons listed above and that he has hurt me somewhat in the past).
He told me that we can only fix our relationship if I can learn to trust him. He told me nothing is going on, he loves only me, and etc. etc.... Let me also add that we regularly have sex, he's very affectionate, emotionally available, and hasn't been acting like he's cheated at all. Also, this ex lives in California. However, I suspect that if she lived here things would be different somehow. They have a long history together.
I'm not sure what to do. Something feels off. Very off. I'm a pretty jealous person, which I hate about myself. I am possessive of him. I want this relationship to work, but right now it feels pretty doomed. We've been together a year and a half and are really close, but lately the fighting has been pretty out of control (just related mostly to finances, his drinking, and my intolerance of some of his habits). The clincher is that his 30th birthday is tomorrow, and the day after we are supposed to leave for Florida for five days to visit his parents. I don't want to go and miss Thanksgiving with my family if this relationship is not going to last.
I don't know if I should cancel my ticket or just suck it up and deal with it when I get back. I don't want to prolong this misery, especially with a liar.
I guess my real questions are these:
1. Do I stay with him since he lied and we've been having a lot of other issues?
2. Do I cancel my ticket and spend the holidays with my family, or is that too cruel because of the birthday?
3. Do I suck it up and go on the trip, and promise myself to have a decision by the time I get back?
4. Is it OK for people to talk to their exes?
5. Do any of you talk to exes in a 100% non-romantic way?
I would absoutely love the insight of everyone on this forum. Thanks for reading, if you've made it this far
Happy Holidays.