I think I do have some self esteem issues and insecurity about a few things. I've been trying to eradicate these things and I thought I had the self esteem sorted out but I guess I don't. I'm wondering whether it's truly possible to get and KEEP a high self esteem. It seems there's always something that manages to bring me down. No matter how well I do in my life, I can't seem to let go of unimportant things and so become obsessed with them(trivial matters, like what my friends are doing).
I feel better when I'm in a new place when I don't know anyone, because I don't have any expectations of loyalty or behavior from any of the people around me. When someone I know does something bad to me(says something hurtful, does a hurtful action) I start to question all the people I know and whether they have the capability to do the same.
It's tiring and I'm tired. I can't seem to just relax and enjoy the people around me, there always has to be some other motivator. I've been trying to develop myself and have seen improvements but I always get thrown back to these core issues. I'm starting to feel as if it's a futile effort and that staying alone would be a better choice even though it would hurt but would be better than the anguish you go through when you start questioning the people around you.
Also let me add that, since I feel that people will eventually do something to harm me, it's causing me to become more and more abrasive as time goes on. I'm starting to use less filters during conversation, becoming more direct, and generally not caring (in a bad way) and I don't like this.
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