sorry to hear you went through such a low point in life, many years ago way before i got into all this, my gran died who i was very close to, i had seen her that night before i went to work, as she was at my house for tea, sometime after i had gone to work on the night shift, my dad took her home.
and walking up her path to her front door she just had a heart attack and passed away, my dad tried to revive her but with no success.
in work my supervisor took me into an empty office and broke the news to me,
at first i felt like my body had fallen straight through the floor "shock" my mind was numb.
then out of nowhere i cant explain this bit really, it wasnt so much a physical feeling more of a knowing, that she wasnt dead as in dead as we normally percieve it, she was actually still here
i couldnt see, hear or speak to her but she was there!, only her physical form had gone
all my grief or sense of loss went away, and i sort of smiled like when you really really know something to be true inside, i cant really explain that neither
now with me, i dont just think we are eternal beings as in a theory, too me it is truth! i dont have a shadow of doubt in my body about that at all.
i think alot of the grief people feel when they wrongly think someone is dead and gone, is grief for themselfs, that they have lost something
its not actually grief for the person and what they think that person went through at this so called point of death, its grief for yourself that you think something has been taken away from you.
im wandering off subject lol, sorry
it must have been hard for you at that time in your life to stay centred and focust, you may have had all the will in the world to cross over temporarilly and prove this fact to your self, but our physical bodies are full of emmotions that usually wreck your attempts at times like those.
i have read and watched masses of stuff on NDE and OBE since, and all those people cant be lying lol, you know yourself, lyers allways get found out, unless your a very good con artist, and these people giving details of their experiences are just normal people with no agenda, they dont want to sell books or believe there is so kind of monetary gain in it for them,
having said all that, i dont need anyone else to tell me what i allready know to be true! i look into all this stuff to find out the bits i dont know, " whats it like ?, whos there ? do we have spiritual homes and pets lol. or do we just buzz about here and there in the ether
i think if you stick with it, you will find the answers you are looking for,
one thing i have learned so far is not to try and force it, it has the oposite effect and holds you back in your physical body, if it doesnt happen this time or the next time, dont let emmotion surface, just lightly smile inside and think hmmmmm not ready yet lol, maybe next time.
dont let negativity creep in "grrrrrrr i can do it, it dont work"
believe it will work and it will in time
we are very good at holding ourselfs back spiritually, we have been practising it all our lives, and the illusion that there is only the physical is re-enforced in you daily by the media, advertising and all the people that want to keep you in the physical realms and not progress, because there is finnancial gain in it for them to do so.
when you see past all that and start to see beyond this physical illusion
truths will be made known to us , all of us