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Lauxa · 11-20-2008, 03:55 AM

So the last couple of weeks have not been so great. There's been some backsliding on housekeeping and nail biting and escapism, as well as a deluge of negative emotions.

The kids went to Grammy's house (out of town) for a week and I spent a lot of time in front of the computer screen. And I got a lot done as far as my programming job, but I just felt so depressed at the same time. I thought I was "taking it easy" by staying in jammies all day, but somehow it didn't make me feel as good as I expected. Suicidal thoughts such as imagining shooting myself in the head started creeping back in as well as thoughts of causing myself pain by cutting, etc. Desperately, I sought the opposite and got to "I'm not going to pamper myself" which brought me to visualizations of lying on beaches, floating down rivers, getting massages, getting manicures, etc... and don't get me wrong, this was much better! But at some level I was disgusted with these images without knowing why until I got to "I'm not tough", which hit on something inspiring to me. I always wanted to look like Sarah Connor in T2. So I'm working up an exercise program now and we'll see how it goes.

Another one I've been struggling with is "I'm not considerate". I made a couple of social gaffes and really beat myself up for it, as much as I was trying not to. But, well, I'm not considerate, and it's a big area that needs work so I suppose it's good to be reminded of that.

Finally, I'm working with "I'm not traveling" because I have major WANDERLUST and being settled down in suburban America is just killing me. I'm having some crisis of imagination on this one, not sure how I want it to look. Do I want to visit foreign countries and cultures (I wanted to join the Peace Corps at one point)? Do I want to do more camping here in the United States? Is there a way to travel without such dependence on cars and oil? In college I was fascinated by a guy who called himself a "techno nomad" and traveled the country on a recumbent bicycle, but I don't see how that is possible with kids. Although I don't have a clear vision yet, I think that breaking into a career where telecommute is acceptable was a good step. I think the next step will be taking some more camping trips with the kids, but I may wait for spring.

11-20-2008, 03:55 AM	#46 (permalink)
Lauxa Family Member Join Date: Nov 2006 Posts: 2,545	16 week update So the last couple of weeks have not been so great. There's been some backsliding on housekeeping and nail biting and escapism, as well as a deluge of negative emotions. The kids went to Grammy's house (out of town) for a week and I spent a lot of time in front of the computer screen. And I got a lot done as far as my programming job, but I just felt so depressed at the same time. I thought I was "taking it easy" by staying in jammies all day, but somehow it didn't make me feel as good as I expected. Suicidal thoughts such as imagining shooting myself in the head started creeping back in as well as thoughts of causing myself pain by cutting, etc. Desperately, I sought the opposite and got to "I'm not going to pamper myself" which brought me to visualizations of lying on beaches, floating down rivers, getting massages, getting manicures, etc... and don't get me wrong, this was much better! But at some level I was disgusted with these images without knowing why until I got to "I'm not tough", which hit on something inspiring to me. I always wanted to look like Sarah Connor in T2. So I'm working up an exercise program now and we'll see how it goes. Another one I've been struggling with is "I'm not considerate". I made a couple of social gaffes and really beat myself up for it, as much as I was trying not to. But, well, I'm not considerate, and it's a big area that needs work so I suppose it's good to be reminded of that. Finally, I'm working with "I'm not traveling" because I have major WANDERLUST and being settled down in suburban America is just killing me. I'm having some crisis of imagination on this one, not sure how I want it to look. Do I want to visit foreign countries and cultures (I wanted to join the Peace Corps at one point)? Do I want to do more camping here in the United States? Is there a way to travel without such dependence on cars and oil? In college I was fascinated by a guy who called himself a "techno nomad" and traveled the country on a recumbent bicycle, but I don't see how that is possible with kids. Although I don't have a clear vision yet, I think that breaking into a career where telecommute is acceptable was a good step. I think the next step will be taking some more camping trips with the kids, but I may wait for spring.