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phoenixxx · 11-19-2008, 11:59 PM

Also, just to clarify,

Around the 5th September to maybe the 12th I finally got out of my depression. Completely. I mean, my head was finally clear for the first time in my life. I finally took responsibility for all my feelings and emotions and relationship problems and took massively brave steps on my part to communicate better with those around me. It truly felt like I stepped out of myself...or out of the costume I had been in until then. I couldn't even relate to the 'old me'. I was looking at my life like 'What the hell have I been doing? How did I mess up this much? It's not even possible....'.

I don't know how to explain it now because I've totally slipped back into the 'old me'. Now I can hardly relate to the 'new me'. Confusion.......

But what was different is that I had integrity. I took responsibility. I had courage. I had compassion towards others. I noticed I needed to give value to others if I wanted it back. I was completely aware of my needs and yet could separate them from being needy of other people. Far out......I need to get back to that state. The only reason I fell back down is because I started thinking about my mum and how it was her fault I was like I am. I started to blame. But then I turned in around into fear and anger. Fear that she would pull me down again. That she somehow had power over me and was trying to suck away my success so that I could stay dependant on her forever.

Intellectually I know that this is completely my fault. I know I gave away my power and responsibility. I dug myself into this hole. It's just so hard to get out....or is it??
I feel like maybe that was my fear wanting to cling to my depression and dependancy and anxiety and problems because I didn't want to move forward.

MY stupid stupid beliefs. It's so much harder navigating this murky water and climbing out of it than it was to get stuck in it.

And another thing. When I was in that 'enlightened' (or...normal) state, I felt a deep deep shame for the way I effected others with my depression and anxiety etc and the way I treated them in accordance with my wrong beliefs.
But now I'm just back into justifying everything I do like it's their fault I'm like this etc (talking primarily about the people at work...I started work in april at a company with 15 people after coming from high school and it's been a struggle for me to build relationships with these people...my fault entirely!! theyre all nice open people!).

It's gotten to the point that it's now just unconscious justification so I can't even catch myself when I'm doing it and stop. It is so automatic and swift that I can't catch it.

I am so negative at the moment.....geeeez

Please someone slap me.

11-19-2008, 11:59 PM	#2 (permalink)
phoenixxx Member Join Date: Nov 2008 Posts: 51	Also, just to clarify, Around the 5th September to maybe the 12th I finally got out of my depression. Completely. I mean, my head was finally clear for the first time in my life. I finally took responsibility for all my feelings and emotions and relationship problems and took massively brave steps on my part to communicate better with those around me. It truly felt like I stepped out of myself...or out of the costume I had been in until then. I couldn't even relate to the 'old me'. I was looking at my life like 'What the hell have I been doing? How did I mess up this much? It's not even possible....'. I don't know how to explain it now because I've totally slipped back into the 'old me'. Now I can hardly relate to the 'new me'. Confusion....... But what was different is that I had integrity. I took responsibility. I had courage. I had compassion towards others. I noticed I needed to give value to others if I wanted it back. I was completely aware of my needs and yet could separate them from being needy of other people. Far out......I need to get back to that state. The only reason I fell back down is because I started thinking about my mum and how it was her fault I was like I am. I started to blame. But then I turned in around into fear and anger. Fear that she would pull me down again. That she somehow had power over me and was trying to suck away my success so that I could stay dependant on her forever. Intellectually I know that this is completely my fault. I know I gave away my power and responsibility. I dug myself into this hole. It's just so hard to get out....or is it?? I feel like maybe that was my fear wanting to cling to my depression and dependancy and anxiety and problems because I didn't want to move forward. MY stupid stupid beliefs. It's so much harder navigating this murky water and climbing out of it than it was to get stuck in it. And another thing. When I was in that 'enlightened' (or...normal) state, I felt a deep deep shame for the way I effected others with my depression and anxiety etc and the way I treated them in accordance with my wrong beliefs. But now I'm just back into justifying everything I do like it's their fault I'm like this etc (talking primarily about the people at work...I started work in april at a company with 15 people after coming from high school and it's been a struggle for me to build relationships with these people...my fault entirely!! theyre all nice open people!). It's gotten to the point that it's now just unconscious justification so I can't even catch myself when I'm doing it and stop. It is so automatic and swift that I can't catch it. I am so negative at the moment.....geeeez Please someone slap me.