OK.
Here's my shame. All of it....
1. I have recently realised that a lot or even all of my relationship issues (platonic, work-related, family, intimite, ALL OF THEM) plus my low self-esteem, anxiety and depression are because I have repressed for many years the fact that I am a lesbian.
I have only just recently ploughed through all the confusion of my feelings to realise this. I repressed it so well that I convinced myself it wasn't true....even though everything just went 'wrong' with guys. I think also I was confused because I thought my need for attention and approval was actually 'attraction' to guys. I'd romanticise the whole thing....flirt with them and make sure they fell for me....then I'd turn around and be a complete ♥♥♥♥♥ to them. I only went out with guys because they asked me...
And I am ashamed that I still haven't accepted this fact and for some reason still feel disgusting...like it's something to truly be ashamed of.
2. I am ashamed of my house....I don't invite people over because of it.
3. I am ashamed that I affect other people with my depression and anxiety.
4. I am ashamed that when I went on exchange overseas I turned into a horrible person and took everything out on my host family and made them sad and stressed because I was jealous of their family.
5. I am ashamed that I treat everyone like an enemy first and I even still treat my friends that way
6. I am ashamed that in early high school I came down with a stomach bug and didn't make it to the toilet in time. I went home 'sick' and have never told anyone since.
7. I am ashamed that I am so cold and closed to other people even though it's my 'insecurities'.
8. I am ashamed of my fears and insecurities and mental blocks and people issues and depression and anxiety and all this **** I want to get past but havent yet!!!!
9. I am ashamed that I treated my brother so badly when we were younger.
10. I am ashamed that I once had a dream when I was about 8 that was in cartoon but was about rape and I was the perpetrator (I've had issues with male sexuality since a very young age.....and am still scared that I may have repressed the memory of something horrible....)
THERE!!!!
I am now ashamed because I feel like this is totally self absorbed andI should be connecting with my workmates instead of being selfish.
x
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