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Originally Posted by Permafrost  I used to wonder if I HAD a conscience through my teen years, but it grew with time. Now I do regret hurting other people, but have forgiven myself and come to terms with it so deeply that no one else's opinion of me can possibly matter. They were all experiences of my growth and can't be judged anymore. They just were, and I am living here and now. Anyone else cultivate their conscience slowly? |
I had the opposite. I had an overactive conscience. I didn't always act in accordance with it (in fact it was impossible for me to do so) and I'd relentlessly torment myself for every slip up. For instance, I was raised in an environment where sexuality wasn't exactly taboo but it wasn't something that was welcome either, and I was very confused over whether or not masturbation was a sin. It didn't matter, though, because lustful thoughts and pornography definitely were, and I never had one without the other. There were nights when I cried my eyes out, praying that God would have mercy on me for my lack of self-control. I was convinced that I was in danger of going to hell.
This extended to very minor things, even small disagreements between me and another person. I felt that if I wasn't what other people wanted me to be, I was somehow wronging them and I would face their wrath or God's wrath somewhere down the line. I really, really wanted to do the right thing, but the right thing was a standard no sane entity could ever hold himself to.
Internally I began to stand against that during my mid-teens, but I never spoke out when I really felt like I should have. That's probably my greatest shame: my dishonesty with those around me (and with myself) concerning my true beliefs from the ages of 16 to 18. It wasn't like I was just another face in the crowd; I had my church convinced that I was still one of them and I maintained that facade out of a mis-placed sense of obligation (I played along for my mother's sake) and fear of what would happen if I didn't. I'm convinced that caving into that fear is what put me into a state of limbo in the years since I left that behind me. I walked away, but as a coward. It isn't imperative that I'm always understood but it's incredibly important that I never compromise myself like I did during that time.
My other great shames, so to speak, can be seen in the self-analysis I posted on my blog to try and help other people piece their thoughts together. To give a summary of that post, it included seeking love and then scorning it, refusing helpful resources and reasonable solutions, and it was all motivated by the thought, "I don't deserve to exist."
The post can be found here:
Personal Anarchy: Analysis
That kind of thinking resulted in a lot of missed opportunities over the course of my relatively short life. On the bright side it doesn't look like I'm anywhere near exhausting my potential opportunities, so my history serves as a very handy reference guide. It's just a shame that I nearly threw my life away.