[wolfgang]

Originally Posted by TheColonel

1st of all Wolfgang, even if he finds somebody "real" to talk to, will that person ever know all the facts? I've gotten plenty of crappy advice from "real" people my whole life. And I've gotten good advice from "imaginary" people on the internet.

Yes RU could get bad advice from anywhere. There’s no way to gaurentee a “in real life” person would know all the facts either – but there’s a better chance. Maybe Internet sources are OK just as well. I just find it easier to talk to a friend that's known me for a while as opposed to posters. When you talk to someone in person there's a chance to exchange, I think, that's all I'm saying. In person (or even phone calls) you can also get a better sense for how someone is coping, how bad the stress is and provide empathy. You know, talk to your mother kind of thing. I'm not saying RU needs to stop posting - I even encourage this internet forum in this respect. It just seems like RU needs lots of help.

2nd, he asked.

RU - I know you asked for help here or advice. It's my advice to make sure you talk to people in person that may know you better so as to have a support system that might be more reliable and long term. Not that some posters aren't reliable here but it's my hope that friends in real life can offer even more support. In a way to get all the help you can find. But also this forum has no contract to actually provide support to you other than our desire to help. Friends on the other hand are, by definition, there for you. And if you go the route of paying a counselor that's a contract that provides reliable support.

3rd, the details may be different, but I think RU's problem is an ancient one. Anyone who's ever been dumped, cheated on, or treated badly can relate - and might have some real insight.

This is an example of 'learning from the mistakes of others.' And we all know what's going to happen, if it hasn't already. He will choose to learn the lesson himself, just like I did, and just like almost everyone else does.

It did seem like posters where feeling frustrated that RU was not following advice given – why would that be? For RU to benefit from this thread we have to help him discover his lesson and make sure he gets it from where he's coming from. That’s a tall order even though other people can say – “been there, done that and this is what I did”. Hopefully the advice is touching him and helping – which I’m pretty sure there is a benefit for RU. Someday I may post a personal issue and expect as much.

Telling someone to 'go find somebody else to talk to' isn't any better than giving them an opinion based on the facts they present. You're trusting that this poor guy will go find a qualified counselor. That's a pretty risky assumption, IMO.

I’ll still say it is better to tell someone to find someone to talk to. That’s a huge suggestion that can help a lot. Talking to people is a great way to work out something. Sure forums are a version of talking to someone but what I’ll suggest, RU, is you find people in addition to using this thread. I think a counselor could help even more. I’m thinking the issues are larger than an Internet thread can effectively help with (although this thread is an immense help, I’m sure). I really advise trying to find lots more help. It’s not risky it’s smart to find more help.

RU – However it can be hard to find great counselors and you have to pay them. Sometimes work places have employee assistance programs that are free for some initial counselor visits (if only you are lucky to have access to such a program). I know we all are wanting to help (my assumption) by responding here and that alone provides comfort – that there are other’s listening to you. I would say the same thing to help evaluate “in real life” qualified counselors - make sure they aren't trying to help you while being mostly motivated by being impressed about themselves instead of actually helping you learn something about what you are going through.

Any advice you hear is up to you to see if it fits and if you can apply it. It’s often a bad move to make big changes when you are emotional and advice ideas here say to make a big change – break up. Maybe that’s right for you – what do you think? Have you really considered that solution? I know it’s yucky to think you need to move on, but how yucky is it to stay? Do you want to share her with others? I’m also noticing she is pushing you away at the same time as having her life go through nutty things regardless of any relationship issues and it’s too bad she doesn’t have a solid feeling that a relationship is a source for her to help deal. What’s up with that? You don’t have to decide anything right now, I’d say, but it would be good to consider all the options and feel them out for yourself. Sometimes the other person will choose something and then your options also change. Hang in there.