My secret is a mental disorder. It's an interesting synchronity, Steve - you posted this exactly when I needed to hear it.
I call it "the OCD". I don't actually know what it is, but it's really obsessive, and I hate it. It gets in the way of everything. It fixates on people I respect, dead people, or people I'd rather die than like (IE Hitler).
And it's getting in the way of my life. I can't make friends because of it. I can't talk to my spirit guides, angels, or my great grandfather because I'm so ashamed of it, and it crops up whenever I try. I don't know how to get rid of it. I try to ignore it, but it comes back. I've had it for years, ever since I started reading Anne Frank and it fixated on Hitler. It told me, "I bet you like him" (Heck no) "He isn't so bad" and stuff like that. And I didn't believe it, but it kept on coming.
It's... like mind rape, I told someone. Sometimes a rapist might force his victim to do... certain things... and the OCD is like that. Except instead of a rapist, it puts there people I respect, dead people or people I despise there. It does it on a sexual level and that's why I'm so ashamed. It's humiliating. I found a person I wanted to be my friend last year, and it fixated on them until it knew I didn't want to be their friend anymore. It got so bad that I'd be walking down the hallway and suddenly screwed my eyes shut and covered my ears with my hands, squeezing my head, just to make them STOP. My counselor knows there's something going on, but I'm so ashamed I can't even tell her. I can't even tell you guys how specific it is - this is the closest I can get. And I'm so scared that someone is going to come here and tell me that it's happening because I want it - I DON'T. I hate it, I hate it. I know why it's here - it's trying to protect me from disappointments and let downs, I've figured that out. But figuring it out hasn't made it go away.
Gods, I hope I'm not alone. I hope there's a name for this disorder somewhere. I KNOW it's a disorder, some kind of obsessive disorder, and I just want help. Or support.
It's so synchronic (sp?) that Steve posted this. I know my great grandfather wants to talk to me (he passed away a few Easters ago). Well, I think - anyway, sometimes I can feel him there and last night when I wanted to talk to an angel or spirit guide and did a visualisation where I go down a hallway and open a door, and I just knew he was on the other side, and I couldn't face him because sometimes the OCD fixates on Hitler, and my great grandfather was in a POW camp during the second world war and I really, really don't want to upset him. And then it might fixate on him himself, and... I just can't do it.
Oh man. This felt good to get out.
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