[cjo942]

hi there.

I just started my freshman year of high school. I left all my friends and boyfriend and moved here. I was more excited then anything to leave my home and get away from everything. It has been about a little over two months now. I know that moving away was the right decision. The past few years have been really rough. I went to two extremes in just two years of my life. Junior year, I decided that nobody cared about school and you weren't cool if you did so I never did homework and focused on spending all my time with friends. I went through a lot of pain and heartache during these years and when I look back sometimes I feel resentful cuz that was on of the best year of my lives. But when I was in it, I just wanted it to be over with. I don't know. how messed up is that? And then my best friend got sick and died within six months. Then i pushed everyone away everyone. I made myself so busy so I could forget the pain. I had no senior year. I had no friends. No one to talk to anymore. I only did school work and more school work. The only friends I do have didn't go to my high school and my boyfriend. These friends I barely saw cuz I was just so tired of being so busy all the time. I decided to move for college cuz I was just sick of everything and has to get away. Now I am here and reflecting on this all. Number 1, I don't want to ever go to either of those extremes ever again. Number 2, I don't know what to do. College kinda sucks and I miss my friends, there are NO jobs here so I have zero money. I can barely live. Everyone here goes home on the weekends and wants to hang with their friends. After last year, I became super independent so now I have that "i don't need you attitude" Another thing is that trusting everyone is hard. I don't have a car or know anyone here. If something goes bad, or I am in an uncomfortable position I can't do much. I have never really got partying out of my system, but partying with a bunch of people I hardly know and can't really trust is a bad idea. and this school I am going to is really easy and I kinda want to get a better education and go to a university. But I just don't know if going home is a good idea....or if I am giving up.
I guess what I am wondering is how did you move on from the past? how did you find yourself? how did you adapt to a new situations? if everything seems to be going wrong is that a sign this is not the place for me? I am getting super anxiety about all of this. There is so much i want, yet i feel so limited here and trapped.