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Lauxa · 11-11-2008, 03:04 AM

What is a libertarian salad? Lettuce alone!

How many Libertarians does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. The Market will take care of it.

What do you call someone in the White House who is honest, ethical, intelligent, law-abiding and truthful? A tourist

What did the blonde say to the Doctor when he told her that she was pregnant? Is it mine?

Why did the blonde inspector get fired from the M&M factory? She kept throwing out the W's.

-----

A guy's walking along the beach in Malibu, finds a bottle, and picks it up. A genie pops out and says, "Thanks for letting me out. For your kindness, I will grant you one wish."

The guy says, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I can't because I'm too afraid to fly and ships make me deathly sick from claustrophobia. So my wish is for you to build a road from here to Hawaii."

The genie says, "I'm sorry, but I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved... think of the huge pilings we'd need to hold up the highway, and how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. And think of all the cement that would be needed. Plus, since it's such a long span, there would have to be gas stations and rest stops along the way. "No, that is just too much to ask."

The guy says, "Well, there is one other thing I've always wanted. I'd like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, why they're so temperamental... you know, what makes them tick?"

The genie thinks a second, and says, ............. "Would that road be two lanes or four?"

-----

Three men, a German, a French and a Chinese were going on a camping trip.

The German pretty much took charge, and planned what each should do to insure a successful outing. "I'll Collect wood. Frenchie, you set up the camp, and Chen, you take care of the supplies."

Later that evening, the wood was collected, the camp was all set up, and the German and Frenchman were very hungry and wondering what the heck had happened to the Chinaman. Off a sudden, one of the bags starts to shake and Chen jumps out of it yelling "Supplize!, Supplize!"

-----

These four guys were walking down the street, a Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean, and a New Yorker.

A reporter comes running up and says, "Excuse me, what's your opinion about the meat shortage?"

The Saudi says, "Excuse me, what's a shortage?"

The Russian says, "Excuse me, what's meat?"

The North Korean says, "Excuse me, what's an opinion?"

The New Yorker, says, "Excuse me?? What's excuse me?"

-----

It is with great remorse that I inform you all of the sad news of something that happened to someone very dear to us all. Last night, at approximately 8:42 pm, the Energizer Bunny, after going, and going, and going for so long, unfortunately passed away.

Upon completion of the autopsy early this morning, the chief medical examiner reported the cause of death as acute cardiac arrest induced by sexual over-stimulation...

Apparently, someone had put Mr. Bunny's batteries in backwards and he kept coming, and coming, and coming.....

-----

Three guys are in a jail cell. They start to talking and find out that they’re all gas station owners.

The first one says, “I set my prices at a couple of cents higher than my competitors. I’m in here for price-gouging.”

The second one says “I set my prices at a couple of cents lower than my competitors. I’m in here for predatory practices.”

The third one says “I set my prices at the same price as my competitors. I’m in here for collusion!”

-----

Ron Paul is the only political virgin in the U.S. Congress; he's never screwed America.

Hear the one about the dyslexic devil worshipper? He sold his soul to........ SANTA!

How many Spiritualists does it take to change a light bulb? None - they prefer to work in the dark!

How many New Agers does it take to change a light bulb? "We don't use light bulbs, we just think happy thoughts at our quartz crystals and they glow."

How do you get 20 hippies into a phone booth? Throw in a joint.
How do you get them out? Throw in a bar of soap.

How many hippies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Hippies don't screw in lightbulbs, they screw in sleeping bags.

Why did the hippie cross the road? Cuz someone told him not to...

Why couldn't the lifeguard save the hippie? He was too far out, man!

How do you know a hippie has been staying at your house? He's still there.

What do you call a hippie that just broke up with his girlfriend? Homeless!

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

How many atheists does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to actually change the bulb, and the other to videotape the job so fundamentalists won’t claim that god did it.

What did the Zen Buddhist Monk say to the Hotdog Vender?...Make me One with everything.

How many Unitarians does it take to change a lightbulb? We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.

11-11-2008, 03:04 AM	#1173 (permalink)
Lauxa Family Member Join Date: Nov 2006 Posts: 2,545	a few good jokes What is a libertarian salad? Lettuce alone! How many Libertarians does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. The Market will take care of it. What do you call someone in the White House who is honest, ethical, intelligent, law-abiding and truthful? A tourist What did the blonde say to the Doctor when he told her that she was pregnant? Is it mine? Why did the blonde inspector get fired from the M&M factory? She kept throwing out the W's. ----- A guy's walking along the beach in Malibu, finds a bottle, and picks it up. A genie pops out and says, "Thanks for letting me out. For your kindness, I will grant you one wish." The guy says, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I can't because I'm too afraid to fly and ships make me deathly sick from claustrophobia. So my wish is for you to build a road from here to Hawaii." The genie says, "I'm sorry, but I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved... think of the huge pilings we'd need to hold up the highway, and how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. And think of all the cement that would be needed. Plus, since it's such a long span, there would have to be gas stations and rest stops along the way. "No, that is just too much to ask." The guy says, "Well, there is one other thing I've always wanted. I'd like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, why they're so temperamental... you know, what makes them tick?" The genie thinks a second, and says, ............. "Would that road be two lanes or four?" ----- Three men, a German, a French and a Chinese were going on a camping trip. The German pretty much took charge, and planned what each should do to insure a successful outing. "I'll Collect wood. Frenchie, you set up the camp, and Chen, you take care of the supplies." Later that evening, the wood was collected, the camp was all set up, and the German and Frenchman were very hungry and wondering what the heck had happened to the Chinaman. Off a sudden, one of the bags starts to shake and Chen jumps out of it yelling "Supplize!, Supplize!" ----- These four guys were walking down the street, a Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean, and a New Yorker. A reporter comes running up and says, "Excuse me, what's your opinion about the meat shortage?" The Saudi says, "Excuse me, what's a shortage?" The Russian says, "Excuse me, what's meat?" The North Korean says, "Excuse me, what's an opinion?" The New Yorker, says, "Excuse me?? What's excuse me?" ----- It is with great remorse that I inform you all of the sad news of something that happened to someone very dear to us all. Last night, at approximately 8:42 pm, the Energizer Bunny, after going, and going, and going for so long, unfortunately passed away. Upon completion of the autopsy early this morning, the chief medical examiner reported the cause of death as acute cardiac arrest induced by sexual over-stimulation... Apparently, someone had put Mr. Bunny's batteries in backwards and he kept coming, and coming, and coming..... ----- Three guys are in a jail cell. They start to talking and find out that they’re all gas station owners. The first one says, “I set my prices at a couple of cents higher than my competitors. I’m in here for price-gouging.” The second one says “I set my prices at a couple of cents lower than my competitors. I’m in here for predatory practices.” The third one says “I set my prices at the same price as my competitors. I’m in here for collusion!” ----- Ron Paul is the only political virgin in the U.S. Congress; he's never screwed America. Hear the one about the dyslexic devil worshipper? He sold his soul to........ SANTA! How many Spiritualists does it take to change a light bulb? None - they prefer to work in the dark! How many New Agers does it take to change a light bulb? "We don't use light bulbs, we just think happy thoughts at our quartz crystals and they glow." How do you get 20 hippies into a phone booth? Throw in a joint. How do you get them out? Throw in a bar of soap. How many hippies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Hippies don't screw in lightbulbs, they screw in sleeping bags. Why did the hippie cross the road? Cuz someone told him not to... Why couldn't the lifeguard save the hippie? He was too far out, man! How do you know a hippie has been staying at your house? He's still there. What do you call a hippie that just broke up with his girlfriend? Homeless! Atheism is a non-prophet organization. How many atheists does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to actually change the bulb, and the other to videotape the job so fundamentalists won’t claim that god did it. What did the Zen Buddhist Monk say to the Hotdog Vender?...Make me One with everything. How many Unitarians does it take to change a lightbulb? We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.