Hi,
Your post was eloquently written and at this time in my life haven't identified with someone so much- especially your last 3 paragraphs.
I am in a similar situation - I won't go into details here because this is about your post - but I left my ex 2 years ago, I too was so young and had alot to learn, he was 8 years older and did every emotional blackmail in the book to make me stay with him, I ended up having affairs. My situation is complicated by the fact we have a child and I moved straight in with my new partner when I left. He refuses to talk to me, even by text about the child, saying he hates me and will never have anything to say to me after what I did, even tho I have never stopped him from having the child 2, 3 or even 4 nights a week!
The result is I have to carry all the guilt for eveything going wrong because I'm the one who left and broke up the family, even though I was so unhappy with him, and like you, my essence just didn't gel with his essence (for want of a better way of putting that!).
I'm not really sure if I have advice but I wanted to let you know that I know how it feels and it's just awful when someone makes you feel that you've ruined their life...that person saying those things is trying to ruin your life because you're no longer with them.
I, myself couldn't see myself growing emotionally and spritually with him, but instead stagnating, and what kind of a life is that for someone who strives for self-awareness and deeper knowledge?
There's so much to say about this and I don't have the time or the capacity but it goes back to the old saying 'if you love someone set them free' and you're decision, and my decision, should be respected...I mean we're not living in victorian times for god's sake!
I thought it was having the child that makes it so hard to deal with, but you've shown that even without that tie to someone they can play on your compassions so much so that they are actually being a barrier to your life moving forward becasue they are taking up so much of your mental energy. If you truly loved someone would you make them feel like that? I certainly wouldn't even do that to someone I didn't love! So what does that say for him.
It's very easy to say all this but I know how difficult it is to just forget about someeone and think why are they not growing spiritually? And feel compassion toward them for that and want to help them!! It's vicious this compassion thing- as Milan Kunders said:
“There is nothing heavier than compassion. Not even one's own pain weighs so heavy as the pain one feels for someone, for someone, pain intensified by the imagination and prolonged by a hundred echos.”
Some people just love too much, and other people mistake keeping someone to themselves with disregard for their spiritual growth as love.
Have you read M Scott Peck 'The Road Less Travelled'..also The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran.
I hope this helps you, it helped me to realize I'm not the only one that suffers from this misery!
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