Personal Development for Smart People Forums - View Single Post - Help for self-sabotage

the_caveman · 12-27-2006, 05:25 AM

Hello all,

Thanks for the many different points of view. Dharma asked that I post a specific example. I've found as I get older (just turned 37) that my mind has to mull things over a bit and usually produces results in bits and pieces at odd times. The specific event that led me to the self-sabotage diagnosis was this. I was playing one of my little puzzle games on my computer. I'm given a line of differently colored balls that proceed along a trail around a central location. From this location I shoot colored balls. The goal is to shoot the balls into the line to create 3 or more of the same color in a row. At which point, the 3 or more explode and the line shortens. I'm supposed to destroy the line before it reaches the end. As I was playing this, I spontaneously mentally stepped back from what I was doing and observed how I was playing. I noticed that many times I was making the wrong move even as I knew it was the wrong move. Needless to say, I was confused. Often times this happens when I am tired. It occured to me that this might have some significance. Was I just tired and making stupid mistakes? I don't think so. Was I simply disinterested, but played only out of habit and was trying to dissuade myself from continuing? Maybe. I don't really know exactly what was going on, but it occured to me that if this was going on with such a trivial event as playing this simple game, it might be going on in other areas of my life. As a matter of fact, the more I thought about it, I was sure it was going on in probably every area of my life. The question for me was one of determining motivation. Was I unhappy and through failure attempting to force myself to do something different? Was I punishing myself for some reason and purposely torpedoing any attempt to better myself and thus perpetuate my suffering? I feel that determining the "why" of this issue to be of central importance. As far as why I feel this way, let's just say it has the ring of truth about it. I know that it seems pretty bizarre that this whole complicated train of thought could arise from one poorly played video game, but that's the truth of it. It seems to me that if it was simply an issue of sitting down and logically ascertaining what was in my head that I probably would have already done this at some previous point. I'm therefore left with the conclusion that the problem is rooted in a deeper place than logic. There has to be some level of subconscious activity at work here. What I don't know is how to more directly interact with the subconscious to determine the cause of all this. Hopefully this long, drawn-out explanation will help. Any thoughts would be appreciated.

Thanks again.

12-27-2006, 05:25 AM	#15 (permalink)
the_caveman Junior Member Join Date: Dec 2006 Location: Dallas, Texas Posts: 3	Example of self-sabotage Hello all, Thanks for the many different points of view. Dharma asked that I post a specific example. I've found as I get older (just turned 37) that my mind has to mull things over a bit and usually produces results in bits and pieces at odd times. The specific event that led me to the self-sabotage diagnosis was this. I was playing one of my little puzzle games on my computer. I'm given a line of differently colored balls that proceed along a trail around a central location. From this location I shoot colored balls. The goal is to shoot the balls into the line to create 3 or more of the same color in a row. At which point, the 3 or more explode and the line shortens. I'm supposed to destroy the line before it reaches the end. As I was playing this, I spontaneously mentally stepped back from what I was doing and observed how I was playing. I noticed that many times I was making the wrong move even as I knew it was the wrong move. Needless to say, I was confused. Often times this happens when I am tired. It occured to me that this might have some significance. Was I just tired and making stupid mistakes? I don't think so. Was I simply disinterested, but played only out of habit and was trying to dissuade myself from continuing? Maybe. I don't really know exactly what was going on, but it occured to me that if this was going on with such a trivial event as playing this simple game, it might be going on in other areas of my life. As a matter of fact, the more I thought about it, I was sure it was going on in probably every area of my life. The question for me was one of determining motivation. Was I unhappy and through failure attempting to force myself to do something different? Was I punishing myself for some reason and purposely torpedoing any attempt to better myself and thus perpetuate my suffering? I feel that determining the "why" of this issue to be of central importance. As far as why I feel this way, let's just say it has the ring of truth about it. I know that it seems pretty bizarre that this whole complicated train of thought could arise from one poorly played video game, but that's the truth of it. It seems to me that if it was simply an issue of sitting down and logically ascertaining what was in my head that I probably would have already done this at some previous point. I'm therefore left with the conclusion that the problem is rooted in a deeper place than logic. There has to be some level of subconscious activity at work here. What I don't know is how to more directly interact with the subconscious to determine the cause of all this. Hopefully this long, drawn-out explanation will help. Any thoughts would be appreciated. Thanks again.