If it was that painful, I'd probably skip it and enjoy pissing them off. I HATE being controlled, especially in mean, underhanded ways. Your choices are, "Come to the party and be miserable" or "Don't come and we'll make you miserabe."
The only possible reason to go would be so that your extended family wouldn't make your parents miserable because you didn't go. In which case, oh well, suck it up -- your parents ultimately will appreciate it, and next time you hang out with your mom and dad, you can ♥♥♥♥♥ about your extended family together as a bonding experience.
As far as your grandma, there's no reason you can't make a special trip to see her outside of the party. Just make sure she knows to expect you (or else she might not recognize you right away), be prepared to do most of the talking, and expect only to spend 1/2 an hour to an hour with her so you don't tire her out. I bet she'd just love that.
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