[Tasaio]

Greetings! I'm 20 years old, male, and living in Canada.

Although I was raised in an atheist household, the extended family still throws parties this time of year.

We have December birthday parties, Christmas Day, and New Years coming up.

The problem is, I have had a history of being bullied by older cousins. I was the only child not identified as being "gifted" in public school, and my cousins have never failed to bring this up.

Yet, if we take my cousins out of the picture, then there's nobody really there to talk to. My family has the distiction of being very arrogant and cynical -- and hence, depressing.

My parents often comment that they come home feeling bad about themselves, and don't enjoy attending.

Yet they still attend -- and there are plenty of (theoretically) good reasons:
- maintaining family ties
- practicing social skills for the "outside world"
- overcoming fear of bullying
- the extended family will become offended and shun me if I don't attend (they are very touchy about people not attending their parties).

I don't intentionally want to upset my extended family, but I feel that I'm letting them control my time, by forcing me to attend a social gathering I would *never* attend if they weren't my family. And so far, attending has not helped me in life -- it's only given them opportunity to bully me.

Should I not attend this year's parties? It would create a huge scene with my parents, and potentially with my extended family.

Another reason I'm reluctant to attend is that I always have things I enjoy doing -- I have sevearl personal projects I'm working on, and I feel like attending parties is seriously interrupting my schedule.

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Somewhat related:

One of my grandparents is extremely frail and unhealthy, and can barely communicate. To be honest, I understand that Christmas if probably something she looks forward to all year -- seeing her grandchildren is very important to her.

However, my parents also claim that because she is so "close to the end", that every party may be the "last time I see her".

I apologize if this sounds cold, but I feel kind of manipulated by this logic -- I feel that I have to "take advantage" of every opportunity to see my grandmother, because she may soon be dead.

But because she can barely communicate, there is nothing to do when we visit with her -- we just sit quietly, and talk to ourselves.

I don't want you to think me without compassion, because I have a great deal of love and respect for people I care about. However, I cannot practically say that I enjoy spending time with someone who cannot have a conversation.

Do you have any advice about how I should approach this situation? Is there some polite way I can spend time with her, but get some work done at the same time (e.g. using a laptop)? Or would that cause enormous problems?

Please accept my apologies if I come across as ignorant of social customs, or cold and callous. I assure you, I am not a horrible person, and do not wish to come across as selfish.

I am generally a quiet, shy person and would appreciate your advice.

Sincerely,

Tasaio