[amixa]

I am sorry that you detected snarkiness in my tone. I can certainly understand why you would perceive that. Please believe me that I did not intend to be snarky.

ok. thanks.

Is there some truth in this? The reason why I ask this is because many things that set me off (like what happened here for you), is because a small part of me believed it to be true (even if it's not true).

actually no. there is no truth in me wanting to be the victim. i've honestly always wanted to be able to overcome this issue and no matter how hard i try and keep calm what i mentioned about the shaky voice and so on always happens.
i got set off because of my frustration of how long this has gone on and the fact that you suggest that i'd want to be in this situation put me over the edge because its far from true.

Is this true? You do her favors and don't expect anything in return? You mean, like you don't expect her to do favors for you too?

ok true for the most part i meant that its not like 'oh hey i'm doing this favour for you SO NOW you have to do this for me'. i rarely ever do that unless i'm really going out of my way for her and when i've asked her for help in the past that did request that of her she requested actual payment (seriously). which is why i wanted that immediate promise of whats in it for us.

in general yes i would expect her to do favors for me in the future in general.. as you would think this is a normal thing for siblings to do for each other.

Do you believe you are the black sheep? Maybe it bothers you because a small part of you believes this is true, but you are trying so hard to prove this is not true, so that you can hide the fact that it really is. I've been there, I have some really powerful limiting beliefs myself!

i felt like i became the black sheep when my older sister started getting my younger sister to make fun of me in public back when i didn't know how to deal with those situations at all. since then i felt like it was a 2 against 1 deal. and i felt especially stupid that i didn't know how to get my younger sister to stop. it also doesn't help that they look alike.. and i'm the sore thumb. they're also both into business and i'm the artist. an artist needs to be a business man but can be so in a creative way -- but is a quiet sensitive person in the long run. they're more the hardcore business attitudes (more my older sister than my younger).

I'm just saying that it sounds like much of your suffering doesn't come from your sister, it comes from you. And you allow her to activate you and it just seems like it's coming from her. Sorry, it's all you.

The advice I have may sound simple, easy, or maybe you might even think stupid. (Angela - bubbles!) But it is this:

the advice doesn't sound stupid..or easy... i understand what i need to do kind of now but its still really tough.

Find out what you want and turn towards that.

i'll write that one down thanks.