Quote:
Originally Posted by Rockchick26  Well i have pretty good self esteem now (as opposed to when i was a kid),so i do feel like im being honest about how i feel about myself,i am not a good liar and i want to get help about this so lying wouldn't help anyway. The thing is,i would be beating friends away with a stick,yes,IF my social behavior matched my personality. Its all inside but nobody sees it and i have problems letting it out. I can have the most interesting funny story to tell people but i can't deliver,i suck at talking cuz my brain freezes and i end up sounding like a ditz. It's like half my brain doesnt work right when interacting face to face with people i dont know very well or at all. Thats why i love talking to people online because that problem is completely disappeared,when i can type my words instead of saying them. I also HATE talking on the phone,i avoid it anytime i can.
Wow. I think you hit the nail on the head there! I think i know the difference now,between being laid back and being cool. And I do spend WAY more time thinking about how i am acting or should act and how others are acting than actually enjoying the experience. Well,i CAN enjoy the experience and truly be laid back,only when i have some alcohol or maryjane in my system LOL Then is also when my problem completely disappears.
yeah i do tend to do that,just spurt things out,i dont really interact i guess,now that i think about it. I dont feel comfortable asking questions either (big mistake,i'm sure) but thats because i feel like if i ask questions,i'm being more nosy than i should be with a stranger i just met. I also feel like questions and answers are too interview-ish. I'd rather a conversation just flow smoothly with both people just saying whatever comes to mind,i dont like one person asking the other a question then they answer then they ask the other person the next question,that whole vibe makes me immediately wish i could crawl in a hole. I also open up A LOT after i've known someone for a few months but up til that point,i just dont feel comfortable pushing it to that level. |
You do sound like a great person on the internet, I have trouble picturing you as shy.
Hmmm, social tactics and trying out different ways of listening and communicating probably won't work. From what you've been sharing it sounds like you've already got the skills, but there's a mental block that's preventing you from using them. This block is completely fear based, and the only way to overcome it is to break it down by seeing if that fear is real or not, and then generating something new in it's place.
I'm guessing that much of the time you don't speak because you are scared of one of the following:
- saying the wrong thing
- annoying someone else
- losing a friend
- being embarrassed
I could go on.
These are all "if"s in the social scheme of things. These are things that might happen, but aren't guaranteed to. In truth, the fear comes from looking bad in front of other people. You think you have to be a perfect person in order to be liked, and to do so you can't make any mistakes. You freeze in the moment because you are trapped in trying to do the right thing, instead of just being yourself. The biggest impact, is that you unable to be bold and open in your expression, which is the main access to friendship. When you are scared of how you look in the eyes of others, you can't be an awesome and friendly person. It just doesn't fit. You have to look stupid and say silly things to be an awesome and friendly person. This extends even furthur, in trying to look good to get friends, you don't have access to those skills that would get you friends, because you are too scared to use them. The fear holds you back.
So where does the fear come from? It's primarily from attachment. You only get scared when you are attached to the outcome of a situation, in this case it's being liked. When you are attached to being liked, you get scared that you'll lose at it. The flip side though is that when you are scared, you aren't likeable. If you try to be likeable, and try hard to avoid being shunned, you come across as fake and desperate. Other people are reacting to your fear, because they can't see the real you, only the fear you are giving them.
So, does it feel like the fear comes from being attached to the outcome, and is preventing you from making friends?
If so, what would you do in your interactions with others if you didn't have this fear?
ps:
Quote:
Listening is what i do best! I talk about 10% of the time and listen 90%. If God wanted us to speak more than listen he would have given us two mouths and only one ear  |
I found this funny, if we have two ears and one mouth, does that mean we should talk 33% of the time and listen the other 66%? In fact, those ratios seem quite good in a social situation.