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Originally Posted by amixa  How do I get this 'pain body' that makes me tremble and cry to shut up so I can gain my power back? |
Amixa, you can't get power "back," sorry about that! The past is in the past, where it belongs. But you
can generate brand new power for yourself.
Here's one very effective way to develop personal power: surrender.
By that I don't mean "give up." I don't mean roll over on your back and urinate like a submissive dog. What I do mean is: let go of all of that resistance. Oh, boy, reading your reaction to nls123, not to mention what's going on with your sister, your resistance was palpable! I felt like I could feel the tenseness in you, and I think you might feel exhausted and sore from tensing up in defense of all the pain you feel.
I would like to suggest that you take a class in ju jitsu, the art of softness, because I think it would help you to let go of the resistance you've been holding in your mind and body for many years. I think you could benefit from learning how to be a willow and give up being an oak. Wouldn't it feel great to relax and let all this pain just pass right through you, without it having such an impact on you? Wouldn't it be wonderful to be able to accept what people say without it landing like a blow, and requiring you to blow back?
A meditative yoga class, too, I think would be helpful to you in growing spiritual (and physical) power -- again by helping you to be more supple in your responses to what you perceive as threat, danger, or harm.
Best wishes to you in this.