Personal Development for Smart People Forums - View Single Post - She's cheating on me

belugagirl · 12-24-2006, 05:58 AM

R_U,

If--and it's a big IF--she actually meant everything she said about how she can't invest the time and she's ruining your life and all that . . . clearly she is not in the proper frame of mind for any decent relationship. She is (currently at least) messed up and needs to get right with herself before she is relationship material. You need to end the romantic relationship.

If you wish to be there for her (as a friend) while she works things out for herself, that is dicey. It may be a constant enticement to you to fantasize about getting back together with her romantically--which may very well NOT happen. If she is feeling as needy as you are, a platonic relationship may not remain platonic, and then you are right back in the toxic place you are now. I don't recommend "staying friends." It's dangerous. But it _could_ work, I suppose, though it's rare. If you can't bring yourself to separate from her entirely, then it's better than your relationship staying as it is.

You are also, from my perspective, not in the proper state of mind for anything resembling a healthy relationship. No, we don't know her. And we don't really know you. But the kinds of things you're saying--it's been pointed out to you already on this thread--indicate a VERY unhealthy attitude toward this relationship. I can respect you writing your heart to us. I, too, have been confronted with the fact that I cannot have the person I so painfully wanted once (or twice . . . or more). Many, many of us know the feeling. But the thing is, you have to recognize that it's a FEELING. In order for you to get your mind and heart healthy again, you have to realize at least in your mind that what you _feel_ is just that: what you feel. But because of your extremes of emotion here, you cannot trust your feelings to indicate what IS or what WILL BE. In your state, you cannot see the truth of the situation, which is: this relationship is _not_ a quality one, even if the people in the relationship have some very desirable qualities.

You've sought our advice. We're giving it. If you respect our judgment, and you know that you cannot think clearly right now, trust us: this relationship--as it is--must end for you to be happy again. What happens later--whether you find someone else, whether you both grow SEPARATELY and find each other again when you are READY for a quality (i.e. honest and trusting and stable) relationship, or whatever--you cannot know and you will torture yourself trying to predict or plan. You must . . . let go of THIS relationship, work on yourselves, and be content not to know or control what will happen in the future.

Good luck. May you find the strength you don't know you have.

12-24-2006, 05:58 AM	#44 (permalink)
belugagirl Member Join Date: Nov 2006 Posts: 59	Neither of you is ready R_U, If--and it's a big IF--she actually meant everything she said about how she can't invest the time and she's ruining your life and all that . . . clearly she is not in the proper frame of mind for any decent relationship. She is (currently at least) messed up and needs to get right with herself before she is relationship material. You need to end the romantic relationship. If you wish to be there for her (as a friend) while she works things out for herself, that is dicey. It may be a constant enticement to you to fantasize about getting back together with her romantically--which may very well NOT happen. If she is feeling as needy as you are, a platonic relationship may not remain platonic, and then you are right back in the toxic place you are now. I don't recommend "staying friends." It's dangerous. But it _could_ work, I suppose, though it's rare. If you can't bring yourself to separate from her entirely, then it's better than your relationship staying as it is. You are also, from my perspective, not in the proper state of mind for anything resembling a healthy relationship. No, we don't know her. And we don't really know you. But the kinds of things you're saying--it's been pointed out to you already on this thread--indicate a VERY unhealthy attitude toward this relationship. I can respect you writing your heart to us. I, too, have been confronted with the fact that I cannot have the person I so painfully wanted once (or twice . . . or more). Many, many of us know the feeling. But the thing is, you have to recognize that it's a FEELING. In order for you to get your mind and heart healthy again, you have to realize at least in your mind that what you _feel_ is just that: what you feel. But because of your extremes of emotion here, you cannot trust your feelings to indicate what IS or what WILL BE. In your state, you cannot see the truth of the situation, which is: this relationship is _not_ a quality one, even if the people in the relationship have some very desirable qualities. You've sought our advice. We're giving it. If you respect our judgment, and you know that you cannot think clearly right now, trust us: this relationship--as it is--must end for you to be happy again. What happens later--whether you find someone else, whether you both grow SEPARATELY and find each other again when you are READY for a quality (i.e. honest and trusting and stable) relationship, or whatever--you cannot know and you will torture yourself trying to predict or plan. You must . . . let go of THIS relationship, work on yourselves, and be content not to know or control what will happen in the future. Good luck. May you find the strength you don't know you have.