Quote:
Originally Posted by Rose of Cairo  I agree with jfrancis here, cheating is breaking the rules of a relationship behind your partner's back, no matter what those rules are. |
Yeah, the thing is, it's so easy to actually generate rule-breaking in a relationship -- we're taught to do it -- and we're taught HOW to do it -- from the time we're tikes. One really good way to generate rule-breaking is to make rules.
Let's say I tell my boyfriend, "Look, I have a rule: no boyfriend of mine is allowed to look at porn (or take a shower on Sunday
)." Even more powerfully, perhaps I have that rule but I never articulate it, which is oh, so common in relationships! Porn is a great example of those unspoken rules -- which sound like, "If he really loved me, he wouldn't need porn," or "She should just KNOW not to email her old boyfriends." When your partner is ordered (or senses that (s)he is considered to be in debt to you) to fall in line with your rules, what do you think is likely to happen? Resistance, maybe? Rebellion? Secret porn and clandestine sunday showers? A-yup. No freedom = no love.
Plus, these rules and debts are inauthentic, because they have no authentic consequences, usually. Even if you say, "If you watch porn, I'm leaving you," it's not as if you're granting freedom. Rather, if he watches porn, you're sentencing yourself to resentment and wrong-making and pain, normally. You may bite your lip and leave him and tell yourself, "well, he made his bed and now he has to lie in it," but what you're actually generating is lots of resistance, even in your departure. You carry that resistance with you into your next relationship ("how can I ever trust my new boyfriend not to do the same thing?!?"). More often, you end up not even taking the actions of your stated consequence; you just remain in the relationship, seething.
From my extensive experience, I've noticed that rules and debts are powerfully erosive forces in relationships. I advocate letting go of them.
Which is not to say I advocate not having agreements in relationship, and living up to them as a matter of integrity and generosity. And having agreement does not necessarily equal having rules and debts.