Quote:
Originally Posted by Neophyte  How do I increase my self-esteem? |
Hi Neophyte,
I thought it might be more helpful to you if I answered one of your questions with a specific explanation instead of trying to address all the items you asked about, as this one answer applies to everything you asked.
Here's the one and only way to increase your self-esteem:
Stop thinking about yourself!
That's it! It really is.
The only reason you have low self-esteem is because you are thinking about yourself instead of participating directly with the moment as it unfolds.
More accurately, in the moment of some social situation, you have no choice but to frantically think, "Who am I supposed to be in this moment? How should I act? Who should I be
It seems like our mind is doing this to protect us. But in reality, the very questioning about who we're supposed to be in the moment is the only thing that creates that terrible sense of insecurity... and that then gives rise to the whole idea of "increasing my self-esteem."
The key here is that presently your own mind is forced into asking these questions on its own... there's no choice at all but to ask, "Am I going to be OK in this moment?"
By the way, this is the dynamic behind social anxiety disorder as well.
Your mind is forced into unnatural self-considerations... thoughts about you and your image and whether or not you are "measuring up."
Are you ready for this:
We are not on this earth to think about ourselves. We are here to transcend who and what we are moment-to-moment.
See, when you boil it down, the real issue is that you don't have command of your own attention. Anything at all can come along and steal it from you.
For example, let's say you're with a group of friends and you say something stupid. There is no need whatsoever to drop into self-punishing thoughts about how stupid that was. But that's what we all do. The fact is, we can *literally* walk away from that stupid comment and not be the least bit phased by it.
But you can only do this when you are in command of your own attention... when you have the choice what will and what will not inhabit your mind.
When you begin to reclaim your attention (and doing so is a far, far, FAR greater power than my description could ever possibly convey), the whole issue of self-esteem disappears. There no longer is any need to bolster your "self" because your own mind is no longer ganging up on you to diminish it!
By the way... notice how this explanation also explains why it's so difficult for you to follow-through on setting and keeping goals.... or on being disciplined enough to maintain a TODO list.
Your attention is always being pulled off of what you are doing and getting placed onto something else without your permission. It just happens. There's a much deeper reason what this happens, but suffice it to say,
you can begin regaining your power by reclaiming your attention.
There are countless ways to work on this. Here are two:
1) The next time you have a task to do, a homework assignment to work on, or a project to complete, go ahead and start on it early knowing full-well that it's going to feel unnatural, just as you alluded to in your post. The reason it feels unnatural to start early on a project is because you are "undefined" when you start a task early. You're free of the familiar feeling of conflict that you have become addicted to -- the conflict that you feel when you are pressed to get something done on time. Procrastination has turned into the epidemic in our lives because people actual value the sense of conflict it sends them through.
When you start a project early, there's no conflict. There's nothing pressing in on me. And you know what? When I don't have something pressing in on me, I don't really know who to be! In that moment all I am is a man or a woman working. I have no definite sense of identity that I can identify in the moment. Stay right there in that undefined place and continue working.
Know that your attention is going to clamor and fight to pull you away into a distraction, a video game, a YouTube video, etc., etc..... anything it can so that it can get a strong, surging thrill. Refuse it by carrying with you the realization that it is natural for this unnatural feeling to be passing through you because you have begun the work of reclaiming your attention.
2) When you are conversing with a friend, practice giving up any concern at all for what you have to say. What I mean is, while your friend is talking, set aside anything inside of you that what's to hurry up and make it's own point. We all know what this is like..., our friend says something and it reminds us of something else really interesting (to ourselves!) that we simply
must share! And so we actually drop out of listening and are just waiting for our friend to stop so we can step up on stage and take over the spotlight.
Experiment with giving your friend your full attention, and trust that a reply to what he or she is saying will come naturally BECAUSE OF what that person is saying. There is no need at all for you to hold the next brilliant remark and wait for the right time to let it loose!
You will find yourself with a new kind of ease in your conversations that you never knew was possible.
You will also make the shocking discovery that what you have called conversation up to this point hasn't been true conversation at all.
And incidentally, your friends will find you more interesting because you will be one of the few people who gives them the space to be who they are.
Experiment with these two exercises and they will help you in all other aspects of your life.