[sixx1984]

My problem is this.

I'm 24 and for the past 2 years I have lived away from home. In fact, I've not even been in the same country as my parents. My mother is quite controlling and in order to get her own way she would do all sorts of nasty things. So needless to say, I was glad to get so far away from her!

Our relationship really improved when I left and when we did see each other (only for a week or so at a time), it was really great.

However, myself and my partner are having some financial difficulties right now and we are speaking about me moving back home for only a short while (around 8 months starting February next year) to work and earn some cash to get ourselves sorted out and then we would live together again. My parents are fine with this.

I am at home just now because my partner was sent away with work for a while and I didn't want to be left on my own in a foreign country since I have no life there.

In those 2 years away, I really discovered who I was and the sort of things I liked/didn't like and I learned a lot about the world and developed my own ways of doing things and my own opinions. When I lived at home I was so controlled by my mother that I had no individuality - now I do. My mother isn't happy about this. Just today she has been in a mood with me because she didn't like what I was wearing and I refused to change. I wasn't wearing anything inappropriate (i wasn't showing any skin at all apart from face and hands) - in fact it was the kind of thing many women my age wear - it was fashionable. She has barely spoken a word to me because I didn't do what she said. She's been so cold towards me.

I fear that there will be many more moments like this. My individuality coming out - she taking offense to it - me refusing to change for her - and then she gives me the silent treatment or worse for a few days. This happened on a regular basis when I lived at home before. I remember once my mum refused to speak to me for 3 days because I didn't want to eat my birthday cake when she wanted me to because I was in the middle of dying my hair!!! She treats me like I'm a monster for the most trivial of things!

I am a stronger person now. I don't need her approval for everything I do. I don't back down so easily. However, I'm afraid that moving back home will be a bad idea and but I really need to work.

My mother is not the sort of person that I can talk to about this. She doesn't see anything wrong with the way she acts or her attitude towards things. She always believes it's everyone else who needs to change. I can guess some of the reasons she acts the way she does - but it doesn't make it any easier to deal with. Regularly, when she's in a huff with me, I get told that I'm a terrible person, people don't like me, I'm selfish, controlling, self-centred, lazy, etc... I've been told this so many times that I developed a fear of being around people because they'd just hate me, I have no confidence or self-esteem and I've only recently sort of come to terms with the fact that I'm actually a good worthwhile human being. I no longer try to destroy myself - whenever she ignored me I would stop eating until things were ok again - I realise this was stupid and don't do it anymore. I'm going to get therapy when I can afford it, but for now I'm on my own.

My question is this. I hope that my story above was clear enough - is it worth suffering through all the bad treatments again just to earn some much needed cash - or should I just stay well away from home and live with my debts for now?

If I do move home - since I am an independent person now - should I still need to ask my parents if I can go out - or should I just tell them I'm off out? Do I still need their permission to do anything (I mean anything except things that happen within the house)? Should I just continue being myself and leave my mother to her strops? Or should I completely go back to how things were before I moved out and be the person she wants me to be to keep the peace? And how can I remain strong enough so I don't undo all my hard work over the past 2 years getting myself mental healthy (undoing all the damage she caused)?

Obviously I will help out with housework and general about the house things. But apart from that, how should I act? Who should I be?

Thanks