Well i know the sources though i dont dwell on them, hardly ever think of them lol theyre all in the past. but perhaps extra review would help. I sat and listed the things that may have affected me earlier this week so i could get to the root of this. quick rundown of things that affected me (though i dont want to turn it into a pity party)
-my mom and i were separated while she traveled in the air force when i was 2. i stayed with my uncle who hated me the whole time she was gone. I was mistreated and ignored the entire time i lived there. (learned from my family when trying to figure out what was wrong with me) i suppose that had an affect on my ability to connect
-choked by my father. i always felt i had to protect my two younger siblings from the madness going on
-i was raped by my 14 yo half-brother when i was 5. my dad said if my mom made him leave that hed leave too. So i basically lived with my rapist for awhile. i know that can instill fear.
- i saw my dad beat my mom on numerous occasions. throwing her down stairs when pregnant with my baby brother, slamming her head in doors, dragging her by her hair through the car window while driving.
- inappropriate behavior by same uncle and a caregiver
I know this all affected me but i never dwell and feel bad about them. I mean most people have a not so perfect childhood. But i do have a distinct feeling of wanting to hide in a corner. But how can i fix these repercussions now? I am not stuck in past. I've accepted them. I am not depressed. I am so ready to get over this period of stagnation in my life. I am ready to lay myself bare. I really need help. Even if you tell me stop being a baby and get over it. I am trying to live now.
Becoming present has changed my life except in the area i need it the most. I cannot stay present during my interactions.