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Originally Posted by kle28  WOW!! robc- thanks for your post! I think you've been the first to not see anything wrong with what I have been doing. thanks for your reassurance that him wanting to be with me physically isn't just about the sex. I knew that because I can tell by the way he's been looking at me, but at the same time, I thought i better be cautious.
I think i am just going to wait for him to make the next move. I also appreciate you suggesting that I focus on making deposits in the good will "savings account". I've read that is the number one predictor of whether a marriage will succeed or fail.
Dr. John Gottman has studied married couples for decades and feels that he can predict with around 90% accuracy if a couple's marriage will succeed or fail by observing their interactions with one another and noting the number or positive exchanges versus negative ones. Makes a lot of sense.
Now I just need to figure out how to not let the possibility of my marriage failing keep depressing me so much, cuz it is awfully hard to be positive and work on self-improvement when you feel like a failure. |
"how to not let the possibility of my marriage failing keep depressing me so much, cuz it is awfully hard to be positive and work on self-improvement when you feel like a failure."
- stop thinking about it. Become a deliberate thinker, it requires some practice but after a while you will learn to stop focusing on the negative and when you do start thinking about negative things, you will catch yourself and start thinking about positive things.
There are things that help with this: make a list of what you are thankful for, you can make it a huge list or you can make it a small list. The act of actually sitting down and thinking about all the things you are thankful for can be rewarding as you discover that you actually do have a few good things going for you.
And wouldn't this reconnection with your spouse, even if it's a small reconnection with limited possibilities be considered a success, isn't that a positive thing? Start focusing on the things you want instead of focusing on what you don't have, focus on the goals, don't focus on the obstacles. I remember reading somewhere that successful people have several things in common and one of those being that they don't assume failure, whatever it is they're doing, they just assume it will work out and if it doesn't work out, they will have backup plans which will count as a success even when their original goal/target was missed.
It's a mindset, get into it and start thinking more positively. Also start getting involved in things outside of the house, outside of work, outside of the relationship with your husband: go to the gym, do some shopping, feel better about yourself both on the inside & outside, reconnect with your friends & family and start being an individual again - there is nothing more attractive than someone who is secure with themselves, isn't needy or clingy and doesn't mope about because a relationship isn't currently working out. Don't make yourself available to your husband at every whim either, if you're busy doing something, it's ok to say so and if you want offer another time to get together. If he knows he can have you at any second, that will kill the attraction, you don't want to be easy but you don't want to be the ultimate challenge either.
Remember that great person is inside you, waiting to come out again and take over your existing life and lead it in a great new, positive, forward looking direction - allow this to happen and you can pretty much have everything you want in life.
I believe in that, you should too (but only if you want to). ;-)