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Originally Posted by kle28  Deep Deep down, the voice has always said- a happy relationship with him is too good to be true. After I graduated college while we were dating, he broke up with me. I was devastated. I couldn't accept that we weren't going to be together because I just felt deep down that we were meant to be together. Many months went by and he decided he had made a mistake and we got back together. 2 years later we got married. I think it will take a miracle for us to make this work, and truely work through our problems. When I talked about forgiving him, that included forgiving him for the hurt he caused by breaking up with me when we were dating that I never completely got over. I don't trust him because of this- that he won't keep hurting me over and over. Yet I can't stop loving him, even if that is dumb of me. |
That's where I see there's a break in your feelings. You love him, that much is clear, but you have your doubts, and they are very strong doubts. Two people who love each other and are meant to be together can weather almost anything, but if two people are having hardship and struggle just in everyday terms then there could be something larger at work.
The other thing, I'm guessing he loves you too, but either he's very bad at expressing it, or there's something else going on for him. Either way, he's getting away with being irresponsible at the moment and that's not a good thing.
You can never really stop loving someone, all you can do is let them go to live their own life, and remember them in your heart.
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You bring up MANY really good points. I want to be with him because I love him- Jon, for a billion different reasons. I love the person he is, but I don't love the mean parts of him that hurt me. Regarding what I am afraid of- everything. I don't want to be "divorced" at 28. I am scared I will be alone for the rest of my life. I am scared I will never find anyone with the qualities I love about Jon. These fears aren't the reason I don't want things to end however. I have tried to really examine my fears- I think they are pretty normal. I do want to make sure that my motives for wanting to make the marriage work are the right motives.
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They are pretty normal fears, but normal is boring. Normal is what keeps people in crappy jobs doing things they don't like in order to pay bills and buy things until they are 65, when they can retire and drop dead. I don't like normal.
The fear of lonely isn't real though. Your personal survival isn't threatened by being alone. You won't die if you get divorced, but you feel that it's real for you. You also feel that if you get a divorce, then you'll be alone, but that's not a definite either. I would say that's not even likely. And you say that you are afraid you won't find someone with Jon's good qualities again, you could very well find someone with better ones.
The concerns are quite valid, but the fear that comes with them are not. Fear is meant to help you in a fight or flee situation, but personal relationships aren't one of those situations, so the fear is inappropriate. The fear is what's keeping you stuck, without them you could act on your concerns and find ways to use them to empower you, but the fear stops you from acting altogether.
I think I'm talking too much. It's fantastic that you've given up your resentment through forgiveness, the next step is giving up fear theough courage. Ask what a 100% courageous person would do in your situation, and see if that inspires you.