WOW! There is so much to reply to I don't know where to begin! First let me say THANK YOU for all of the feedback. I really really appreciate it. I have never dealt with something like this- it's by far the hardest thing ever. Some days I am fine and others I feel like I might just die. Knowing the one you love doesn't want to be with you has got to be one of the worst feelings possible.
Anyway, I will respond to a few things people posted-
Quote:
Originally Posted by Parthon  Deep down, what does the quiet voice inside say about it. |
Deep Deep down, the voice has always said- a happy relationship with him is too good to be true. After I graduated college while we were dating, he broke up with me. I was devastated. I couldn't accept that we weren't going to be together because I just felt deep down that we were meant to be together. Many months went by and he decided he had made a mistake and we got back together. 2 years later we got married. I think it will take a miracle for us to make this work, and truely work through our problems. When I talked about forgiving him, that included forgiving him for the hurt he caused by breaking up with me when we were dating that I never completely got over. I don't trust him because of this- that he won't keep hurting me over and over. Yet I can't stop loving him, even if that is dumb of me.
Quote:
Originally Posted by funchy You don't need to answer me, but I want you to consider think about this:
WHY do you want to be with him? Is it a desire to seek what is well-known and comfortable? Is it a fear of the "divorce" label? Is it a fear you might been a failure if the marriage fails? Are you afaid that it's possible you might find happiness with someone else?
The old cliche is true: there are so many fish in the sea. You did your best to make it work, and he's the one who gave up. Now he wants the benefits of marriage without the commitment. And he's getting everything on his terms.
I will say with confidence that you should not be giving him any sort of sexual gratification until he ends the seperation.
Have you asked him point blank why he wants to "date" you if he say the marriage isn't going to work? I think this question should be answered.
I am also concerned for you. You seem like a sensitive, caring person. You're spending your time and energy sorting through what went wrong. You let go of alot of pain he caused you. But what is he doing to show he's trying to fix things? Has he ever truly apologized for these hurtful things he did or said? If you do everything you can to have him back and he returns, what assurances is he giving you that he won't carelessly hurt you again?
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You bring up MANY really good points. I want to be with him because I love him- Jon, for a billion different reasons. I love the person he is, but I don't love the mean parts of him that hurt me. Regarding what I am afraid of- everything. I don't want to be "divorced" at 28. I am scared I will be alone for the rest of my life. I am scared I will never find anyone with the qualities I love about Jon. These fears aren't the reason I don't want things to end however. I have tried to really examine my fears- I think they are pretty normal. I do want to make sure that my motives for wanting to make the marriage work are the right motives.
Responding to something else you said- he isn't doing anything to show me he is trying to fix things. I think also if we do reunite, one of the biggest problems we would face is me being able to trust him that he won't do this again. At this point I don't really trust anything he says because of all the times he has made statements and vows and then broken them.
Quote:
Originally Posted by marklang500 Think of separation as a part of the evolution of a relationship, in reverse:
Dating
Dating with sex
Engagement with sex
Marriage with sex
Now reverse it:
Marriage with sex
Separation with sex
Dating with sex
Dating without sex
No dating, no sex
Divorce, no sex
Now here's the road you are going down:
Marriage with sex
Separation with sex
Dating with sex
No dating with sex
Divorced with sex
If that sounds good, then keep up what your doing! But keep in mind, if you get to "divorced with sex", both yours and his future relationships with other people will be greatly hindered by the sexual connection that you never broke off. It's a confusing, deceitful, difficult life to live, divorced yet having sex. If you brake the sexual connection BEFORE the divorce, there is a chance to change the direction of the evolution and end up married with sex again.
The way you are going about it, the evolution of the relationship towards divorce is masked by the continuation of sex. Not a good idea.
IMO, you should stop the sex, but keep dating him. Tell him that the next 3 times you see him should be considered a first date. |
This point you make about breaking the sexual connection is interesting to me. To be honest I know deep down it is probably not the best decision to be sleeping with him, but frankly I am being selfish because it's fun
However, I know it is in my best interest to grow up, get some self control, and try to behave more rationally. Easier said than done unfortunately.
I have a lot of things to be thinking about and considering. For that I thank you all!!!