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I think this is the guy for me, so i can't risk screwing it up.
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Boy, does this stuff sound familiar! You're going along just fine, friendly and confident, and all of a sudden you find yourself "in a relationship" and your old pain limiting self-belief gets reactivated, and you are a frog in a blender!
It's funny how the right reactivator shows up in your life, and he becomes "the one;" it feels as if it is a matter of life and death to *make* it work. And consider that it is your old pain belief that has you clutching so tightly to "keeping" this guy.
It sounds familiar to me because mine is "I am second rate," and that is a meaning I made when something happened when I was a little girl. I grew up to be an absurdly autonomous person, ultra confident looking, but when I found myself in relationship with a man, suddenly it took all my energy to prove that I am not second rate and to avoid having him find out that I am second rate. It was exhausting as that sounds, and it was exhausting as reading your post and how I imagine you must feel. Exhausted, as if you are clutching the edge of a cliff hoping not to fall 3 miles to your death -- really, it feels like a real threat, doesn't it, *losing* him?
Here's the good news: it is possible to examine your old pain belief and to eliminate its power over you. It is possible to generate something that works better, and it's possible to be in a loving, long-term, mutually beneficial relationship (LLTMBR) in which you are both happy volunteers, dancing in all your conversations, and generating love, peace, freedom and joy in your relationship, regardless of the thoughts, words, or actions of the other person. It's possible to reach the point where the idea of "self-esteem" just makes you laugh, because you are wildly in love with your own life. Really! I think you'll be just fine, safe and supported in relationship, if you'd like to be -- when you're ready to be. Meanwhile, you ARE safe and supported -- you are okay, right now, right? You're not actually in danger of falling from a cliff to your death, right? -- and you are loved. The lessons you are learning now are absolutely perfect in leading you where you need to go.
(Have you recognized yet that I am writing this to my younger self?
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Lots of love,
Angela