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Angela · 10-11-2008, 10:31 PM

I don't think you're stupid for seeing him during your separation, but I think you are behaving ineffectively.

I think your husband separated from you so that he could get a taste of the freedoms of being single. The reason he separated from, rather than divorced, you was that he wanted to try on separation without making a commitment to what he suspected would be the drawbacks, one of the most profound of which is the loss of your emotional (and, as it surprisingly turned out, sexual) support.

Now, since you're giving him emotional and sexual support by "dating" him, and he's now free to also supplement that with emotional and sexual support from other women, too, there is no lesson to learn about what it's like to live without you, because YOU are depriving him of it. You are training him (much like you did when you were married, I suspect) that his needs and wants, indeed his well-being -- are all wayyyy more important than yours. That's not his problem. It's yours.

You're not doing yourself any favors by getting your sexual needs met by this guy; you're just feeding your oxytocin addiction and bonding yourself to him. Cut it out! You would be much more effective if you were to go out and date OTHER men for fun, whether you have sex with them or not. Start cultivating your own well-being, your own feel-good chemicals, and your own autonomy in being in love with your life. That way, if you reunite, great -- you'll be more equal partners than you ever were during the first phase of your marriage. And if you don't reunite, that's great, too! Because your well-being, your happiness, your life is not conditional to your the behavior of your half-husband.

Best wishes!

10-11-2008, 10:31 PM	#2 (permalink)
Angela Banned Join Date: Nov 2006 Posts: 22,520	I don't think you're stupid for seeing him during your separation, but I think you are behaving ineffectively. I think your husband separated from you so that he could get a taste of the freedoms of being single. The reason he separated from, rather than divorced, you was that he wanted to try on separation without making a commitment to what he suspected would be the drawbacks, one of the most profound of which is the loss of your emotional (and, as it surprisingly turned out, sexual) support. Now, since you're giving him emotional and sexual support by "dating" him, and he's now free to also supplement that with emotional and sexual support from other women, too, there is no lesson to learn about what it's like to live without you, because YOU are depriving him of it. You are training him (much like you did when you were married, I suspect) that his needs and wants, indeed his well-being -- are all wayyyy more important than yours. That's not his problem. It's yours. You're not doing yourself any favors by getting your sexual needs met by this guy; you're just feeding your oxytocin addiction and bonding yourself to him. Cut it out! You would be much more effective if you were to go out and date OTHER men for fun, whether you have sex with them or not. Start cultivating your own well-being, your own feel-good chemicals, and your own autonomy in being in love with your life. That way, if you reunite, great -- you'll be more equal partners than you ever were during the first phase of your marriage. And if you don't reunite, that's great, too! Because your well-being, your happiness, your life is not conditional to your the behavior of your half-husband. Best wishes!