Quote:
Originally Posted by Boreas  ... I have some subconscious desire to get something back from them... |
That's the part that jumped out at me, Boreas. You've got a belief about yourself that's surfacing now, and that's great! Because when you see it clearly, it's power over you is dissipated.
You have a desire to get something out of people you're kind to. What is it exactly you're trying to *get*? I suspect that it's something like validation that you're good enough or worthy or attractive. When you are kind to people, do you notice you don't always exactly feel free? That desire to *get* ties a knot in your hose.
Interestingly, when someone has an unconscious "I'm not good enough" type of self-belief, there are people who will zero in on that and exploit it, like this guy at the coffee shop. I'm not saying he's a bad guy or victimizer, necessarily; it's just that complementary self-beliefs tend to attract each other. He was also trying to *get* something from you -- and it wasn't just sex. Same with the women that you'll attract when you're run by a limiting self-belief -- you'll tend to attract women with whom you can be co-reactivators.
I suspect that the horribleness and disgust you feel about this incident is the reactivation of your old pain.
Imagine being free in the world to be boldly kind and to gratefully be present to and accepting of kindness, with no fear, no anxiety, no suspicion or dark feeling in the pit of your stomach. How would that be for you?