[Boreas]

An old gay man hit on me at starbucks today. We fell in to conversation and started to talk about family, I asked him if he had a wife and he said he was gay. That is fine with me, it is not like I am going to start back or run away. I worked on my homework and asked him for help. He was kind, helpful, congenial, the works. Then later he asked what time I had to be home, and asked me if I would go back with him to his hotel room! I declined. Then he stayed on a while, which again, I didn't really care about.

Looking back on it, it was horrible, but I don't know why... I think what has hit me most is how I act around women. I am usually the nice guy, very kind and all that...but I think the ones I give more attention to will get this feeling that I might ask them to go out later or something...(though I have never really asked a girl out like that) but that is how I felt with this man. All his kindness and attention, I saw the hotel room invitation coming, and that is just so crushing to me.

Honestly, I just think he was lonely and that he had a good heart...so I don't know why I feel so disgusted by the experience. At the time I felt ok about it, but now I feel like it was horrible... I guess I just need to digest the experience more...I dunno. I think what is hurting me most is now I feel like I can't be kind to people (especially women), because that means I have some subconscious desire to get something back from them, which disapoints me, since I want to be unconditionally good, random acts of kindness and all that, but when I think about it, I am not that way with women my age. :/