Hi,
I have never posted before, however i came across this site and i think this would be a great place to share a significant concern i have. I have friends, however i am too embarrassed to share this with them.
I 'discovered' i have low self esteem (LSE). Honestly, i didn't know i had such problems, until a month ago. I do all of the typical stuff... the overreacting, suspiciousness, moodiness, feeling my partner doesn't love me, have difficulty giving him love, feeling in desparate need of attention, wanting always to be top dog, etc.
I realized "
I" was the problem when i became involved with my current boyfriend. He is a really wonderful person... mature, balanced, supportive, funny, etc. I can actually say that this is the man i have been waiting for. I really think he would do anything for me.
However, about a month ago i was on another one of my little tirades (it got really bad)... i was upset that i felt he loved his ex better than me. I came to that conclusion bc they still are on friendly terms and he bought her SOOOO many things when they were together (ring, car, house, big amonts of weekly cash for spending). I figured i must not mean all that much bc in comparison bc he does not do anything at all like that for me.
We have been together for 3 months. He told me that he was really surprised to learn that he has to walk on eggshells around me; he said it is exhausting at times. Told me that he is confused where that "confident'" woman with an attitude went- said he really liked that about me. (I am a woman in a bit of a power position at work; he was actually intimidated by me when we met and acted like a scared puppy for months before we became a couple- it was cute). He used to tell me "you are so smart and beautiful... i can't believe you are single." Well---- i think
NOW he knows why
.
He says i don't seem the same- i am overly emotional and insecure. Thing is ... that was pretty much the same thing my last boyfriend told me a few weeks before he dumped me.
So, i went online to try to figure out what the heck was wrong with me. I learned it was LSE. Since that time i have been reading books night and day. I have also been in treatment for 3 weeks with a therapist who specializes in LSE- thank goodness for her!!
Problem is.... i am now completely afraid to be around him. I am so scared that due to LSE my distorted thoughts are going to cause me to jump on his case about something stupid and continue to push him away. I try not to call him anymore.... i decided not to see him this weekend. In a way i also feel it will give him a needed respite from the drama that i tend to bring. He used to email me daily... text me several times a day.... call everynight. He was so smitten--He doesn't do that anymore (he stopped about 2 wks ago).
I haven't told my therapist that i am avoiding him, however i simply do not trust myself enough to be around him, bc i know my crap will come out and i will sabatoge my own relationship. Bottom line is that... i love this guy. I think this is the guy for me, so i can't risk screwing it up. We have known each other for about a yr and in a relationship for 3 months... i think i know him well enough to realize that he is so different from all the others... a better fit.
He said he wants a warm... happy relationship and i don't blame him... he deserves that. He has a daughter and i know he wants a strong, caring, normal woman around her. I don't feel i am mature enough.... yet i want SO badly to be better... not just for him, but for me bc i often feel so unhappy. I grew up with abuse and so (thanks to my therapist) i learned that my LSE developed due to that and hence i have to work really hard now to recover from it. I just think it is going to be hard to recover and keep him.
I'm not sure if my approach is correct or not. I just don't want to continue to confuse my boyfriend... make him unhappy with my moodiness... bc i know that will make him question if he made a good decision by engaging in a relationship with me. I already think he has regrets bc i am not the confident, fun woman he knew for so many months. Now that i am closer to him emotionally (relationship) the LSE shows and i can't hide it!
IDK if it is too late to turn my relationship around... for him to feel free to be himself with me. I may have ruined it already.
Curious about what others may think of this, as I would like to ponder your take on my situation.
Thanks,
Jessie