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Originally Posted by Jim11  Since you haven't gotten any responses yet I will attempt to come up with one for you.
First of all, you can support him in what he's doing while you do your things. He also has to support YOU!
Do not listen to what he says that causes self doubt. If you want to take violin and go back to school then do it, and do it now. If he not supportive of your choices then of course you're not going to be able to hang in there and support him for the long run.
It really sounds to me like you just need go do your thing for awhile. Keep supporting him, but make it clear to him that you also have goals. If he can't appreciate that then perhaps it's not going to work.
Your situation is somewhat unique. If you would like someone to discuss it in more detail please feel free to PM me. I trust you will get several more responses to your thread from the good people on this board. |
I'm going to go all over the place in this response but I'll try to keep it short as possible.
This website is great, tons of great material for personal development.
Keyword is personal.
BTW - Jim mentioned your situation is unique, it really isn't, it happens more often than people care to admit.
You almost seem to be asking permission to do stuff like go back to school, take violin lessons, have a cell phone, etc.
Why?
Why do you need permission?
Are you an adult? If so act like one.
You want a cell phone, your own cell phone, get it.
If you pay for the other one and it's under your name, ask for it back and have him get his own cell phone - he's an adult too from what I gather, let him act like one and he can start by assuming responsibility. If you need a cellphone and want to have one, you should have one - it's 2008, I've seen little kids with cellphones, you're an adult, you can have one too if you want. If you partner doesn't want you to have a cellphone, it's possible that he wants to control who you talk to - that's controlling, end it by not allowing him the privilege of controlling you.
You sound like you're there only for his existence and his needs. I'm sure that can feel good but it will leave you empty, your needs aren't being fulfilled and in the process of doing everything for someone else you will feel this lack in your life, something is missing, it will start small and then eventually turn into something big & ugly - you will resent your partner for holding back your life and not doing the same for you for the things that you do for him.
You see your partner (although he may be doing quite a few things that are wrong) is taking care of his needs. He is goal oriented, training for an end result, to be successful at what he does - so this process right now keeps him self-centered, somewhat selfish, and he doesn't focus on your needs. You keep doing more for him, hoping that he will notice but he won't, not because he is a bad person but because he puts his needs above yours, he is taking care of himself.
It's a lesson you could learn, start taking care of yourself.
In fact, if you start taking care of yourself more and pulling back away from taking care of all his needs all the time, you may find that his interest in you will increase and he will want to spend more time with you and do more things for you and with you. Right now he has no need to do any of this, you're currently doing it all - why should he put any effort into it?
You don't need anyone's permission but your own to take violin lessons, to have a cellphone, to go back to school, and to have a life and do things that don't always involve him.
Yes he's your partner, you love him, you hope he loves you. There are trust issues, I read that part.
You started seeing someone else during a rough patch or when the two of you weren't together anymore. Start forgiving yourself, or better yet, don't forgive yourself - if you did nothing wrong. Unless you cheated on him during the relationship and you weren't split up at the time or separated - if you did, fine, you know you did it, you apologized to him - now it's time to truly forgive yourself and allow the past to remain in the past and focus only on the present, doing so will give you alot more energy to take care of your life now and you won't waste it thinking about what you did in the past - it's a hard lesson for alot of people to learn but it's definitely something to strive for.
Just remember, the quickest way to end the trust issue is consistent action but you won't solve it by being afraid and submitting to his will - that is just a constant reminder that you did something wrong and you're playing it out in your head everyday and infront of him as well - always feeling like you did something bad that you have to overcompensate with the things you do today.
You are a good person, you deserve good things. That means a loving relationship where the trust is shown both ways, from him to you and from you to him. If there is no trust, things won't get better, they will get worse.
Start living your life, take your violin lessons, go back to school, get a cell phone, hang out with your friends. Regardless of how busy his training schedule is, if he loves you enough and wants to, he will squeeze in some time to show you. If he doesn't you can love him as is and enjoy whatever time you spend together or you can call it quits because the relationship isn't fulfilling enough.
Remember, your life is your life, not his. You control it, not him. Start showing that you're an individual with individual needs by taking care of yourself.
Jim wrote above that "he has to support you" and I don't agree with that. That's controlling & manipulative, no one has to do anything, he doesn't have to do anything for you and you have to realize you don't have to do anything for him. If you do things for him so that he will love you, trust you more and be with you, you need to realize that is controlling & manipulative: you're doing something to get something back from him. If a man dates a woman and takes her out for a nice dinner and gets mad at her because he expected sex from her at the end of the evening because he bought her dinner, that is controlling & manipulative. Doing something for someone and expecting something back is controlling & manipulative, no matter what you are doing. If you love someone and expect them to love you back a certain way, that's controlling. Once you realize this, it can be quite a revelation and once you start to realize that you can release the need to control other people and focus on controlling your own actions & thoughts you can really find alot of energy to pursue the things you really want to do in life because you're focusing only on you. That's not selfish either - it's honest and no one else will take care of you better than you.
Don't just hang out in the forums here, go throughout the site, check out the articles, check out the audio section - it's fantastic and extremely helpful.
Good Luck, I know you can do it!!!