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Originally Posted by Lara  Hello Mercury - that is right - we actually don't:"make" relationships work, they either do or they don't. What we can do is learn to live in harmony with one another. That is the way I live and I need people in my life to be on the same page.
The problem is he has tried to fool me for over 6 years and I'm fed up with it. I know what he's doing, he knows I know what he is doing and yet he denies reality and refuses to work with me. He's taken to putting me down and disregarding anything I have to say. When I am talking to him I can actually see that he is not in the least interested, he pretends to listen. He says one thing but does quite another and is destructively controlling and manipulative. This year he has actually begun undermining trust in my long time friendships with people when he realized I was not going to continue subsidizing him finacially. I knew these people before I met him - he has no friends of his own.
This weird behavior has had a negative effect on my relationships with long time friends as part of the manipulation is lie, divide and conquer. It's become painfully clear that he has issues best addressed by a shrink.
I worked hard for my inner freedom and sanity will not allow anyone to mess with that. I was actually beginning to feel a little crazy and thankfully, after a short vacation alone, realized it's not me, it's him.
Like you I've disengaged from any struggle "trying to make it work" and have begun the work of separating. I feel good about this. I just want peace.
Blessings,
Lara |
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Originally Posted by Lara Whether I'll be able to repair friendships with the old friends now is another question. I introduced him to a work group I am a member of and he has ingratiated himself with everyone there and did some nasty damage by manipulating situations and pretending I was being very mean to him. The group president was quite upset with me for a long time and I had no clue why until she started saying things to me as advice that made absolutely no sense - LOL It's was like a twilight zone soap opera but it was my life for a little while. People actually began to treat me differently. LOL What a scene. He's a charmer - seemingly very sincere, honest, gracious helpful, generous, caring - he even cries on cue - but really, when looking at him now, I see him clearly for the user and manipulator he is. And I figure, if the old friends don't know me well enough to not believe everything they hear and the acts he puts on, without verifying things for themselves or asking me then they never knew me and aren't worth worrying about either. |
And don't take anything of what I'm putting together here personally, it's just an observation after reading what you've said.
You need people in your life to be on the same page as you. This sounds very controlling & manipulative - the very thing you are accusing your ex of being towards you. Why can't you allow people in your life to be as they are and accept them. If people fall out of line and don't conform to your views & opinions, then they can't exist with you. Is it possible that the harmony you seek with other people, is not with those other people but with yourself.
Control is an illusion, in reality you have very little control over pretty much everything including yourself. In fact, that is pretty much the reason you are angry and have found it difficult to find sanity & peace in your life.
You also mentioned that your ex denies reality and refuses to work with you. What must he do to make you happy. What would he have to do that allow you to be happy with him? He refuses to work with you - again this sounds like your trying to control his actions and his responses. Aren't we all individuals, aren't we allowed to behave the way we want. People rebel against people who try to control them, this is possibly what you may be seeing here - he doesn't want to listen to you because you are trying to make him do something. Let him be, focus on yourself.
Disengaging from the "struggle" as you put it probably did feel good, you let go of the need to control something/somebody and the energy you invested in that effort returned to you and allowed you to use it for yourself.
You mentioned that he was using you financially, did he force you at gun point to give him money? Maybe you are mad at your actions for loaning money and providing for him - you possibly gave him financial means so that he might return something else to you: love, friendship, intimacy? When you give something to somebody and expect something from them because of it, that is the definition of manipulation and that is horrible for relationships. The people that are with you begin to feel that they have a price when it comes to dealing with you, if you do something for them, they have to pay you back or be grateful - in a perfect world, reciprocation would be equal at both ends but we all know that doesn't work in real life.
Another thing you brought up was that he damaged relationships with old friends and became friends with those people and now you don't know if you will be able to repair those relationships with those people. You introduced him to your group of friends, isn't it logical to assume he might become friends with them as well. And do you really think someone has so much power of persuasion that all of your old friends would leave you at his bidding? Isn't it possible that your behavior with your old friends was similar to what it was with your ex? If so, isn't it possible that they began disliking this behavior and started distancing themselves from you because of it.
In the end, this is an online forum. I don't know you or your ex or your friends. But from my point of view based on the limited posts in this specific thread, I saw a recurring theme of "I need this... and he refuses to do this that I ask.... he took my friends away.... he doesn't conversate with me the way I want him too... I gave him money and he didn't treat me the way I wanted..." etc. etc. etc.
You were attracted into a relationship with him at one point and you chose to prolong that relationship with him because he exhibited specific traits that you enjoyed and wanted to continue experiencing. Love may also be involved. Hate too possibly.
I suggest (just a suggestion, you're free to do what ever you want), you live your life the way you want to live it and allow others to do the same thing. And as far as your friends are concerned, if they are really your friends, they won't drop you like yesterday's newspaper - good friends are just that, good friends, they accept you despite your flaws. It's a good rule of thumb, accept people as they are and they will accept you as you are - when you start controlling people and act negatively around them, people will instinctively remove themselves from this type of environment because it doesn't feel good to be around.
Let go of the need to control other people and their actions and focus on controlling your thoughts & actions, that is really the only amount of control you have.
Be happy, don't be happy, enjoy your life, don't enjoy your life, accept people as they are, don't accept people as they are. Just remember, in the end, your actions determine the quality of your life, your own personal happiness and whether or not you attract other people in your life to share experiences with you.
No one can make you happy except for you. People don't make you happy, you make yourself happy.