[mattpd]

This is mainly in reference to women, but its still important for men. A common trend is that women will mostly post about relationship issues, and men about dating issues.

I went to a seminar and the presenter said that up to 80% of our personal happiness is based upon our personal relationships. Not sure where he got those figures from, but it sounded smart. That could be the person you are intimate with, your family and/or friends, or lack thereof.

The biggest problem with our relationship and dating skills is that we are never really taught them. So at school we learn math, but not how to get a girl/boyfriend, and how to make smart decisions. Its no wonder that most people experience lots of terrible experiences with our personal relationships.

Its possibly our most important skill, and we never learn how to do it properly.

In my personal opinion the key to having an awesome relationship, and with that a pretty awesome life, is really self-improvement. As you improve yourself the quality of your relationships will improve. I constantly see women in particular trying to fix or improve their husbands, without a strategy on self-improvement being first and most important.

As you improve yourself, you will improve the quality of your reality, and you will increase your standards and skills, and the self-confidence and self-belief, and the self-acceptance, to make smart decisions. The idea of constant and gradual improvement of yourself is key.

Being coached, reading books, improving yourself, and getting better at communication skills, reading books on relationships, and generally being more secure in yourself and your ability to find someone else easily is critical. Having an awesome lifestyle, and improving your physical appearance is key.

Also, continuing this process once you get into a relationship is important. So many people only seem to be on a massive self-improvement journey when single, or when newly single, but get comfortable when they get into a relationship. This is a good way to have a bad sex life and bad relationship.

As you get more independent and improve yourself you become more attractive, and you care less about trying to fix the other person and you kind of either begin to have such an enjoyable personal reality that you stop caring about your partner not improving, and simply motivate through example, rather than verbally, which is the best way.

I've found also waiting until you really sort your stuff out before getting into a relationship is key, and being good at breaking up also. Having a low tolerance for losers, and being good at dating are great life skills. Never enter a relationship if you have really bad or addictive habits, that represent self-esteem issues.

Removing the need for validation from your partner is important as is letting them live their own journey, and not triggering their ego. Having fun together is critical, and avoiding being painful. They say most nagging is caused by having a boring life, so having challenges in your life is important.

Only dating compatible people is important, and taking your time, and getting experience is really important. So is being smart. Smart with not lying to yourself or living in denial. I've met people who cling to a dumb dream.

So the key is really to improve yourself, constantly. It will take a while, but the quality of your reality will improve. As a personal coach I coach lots of women, who are into personal development and the main cause of angst in their life is their husband or boyfriend. Its weird because when I coach men, they rarely bring up relationship issues, its more about getting a girlfriend, or making more money or something.

So I've drawn a few conclusions on why women in particular have so much stress and unhappiness in respect of their relationships.

Firstly, its almost as if on a core level, they enjoy the drama. Even if the relationship sucks, there is something that fulfills a primal need for drama, and problem solving. They get addicted to the pain of the situation, or the pain of relationship problems.

Secondly, I'm a member of several forums, and one on dating, its weird how women tend to spend 80% of their time in the 'relationships' forum and only 20% on the dating forum. Women are intrigued by relationships on some level, and tend to focus more on improving their relationship or fixing it, than improving their dating skills.

There is almost like a core belief that finding the right guy is hard so you need to date anyone, and then improve it. Rather than dating loads more to increase your chances of finding the right one. Women seem to seek a cure rather than prevention. I really believe most relationship problems are caused by not dating enough.

Also, I've noticed that a switch occurs when you have sex with a woman. So women will tend to date guys who are good at getting them into bed, because its almost as if when sex happens there is a bond for women, and they get attached on some level. This doesn't really occur so much for men.

Also, women can have this weird sense of commitment when it completely obvious they are dating a complete loser. They will endure years of pain, for what? There is some weird thing where they just put up with it, and try everything they can but leave. Its like their personal happiness is way down the list of priorities.

There is also this mindset women tend to have that a relationship is like building a house. And this makes them reluctant to 'throw it all away'. I sort of see a relationship as a journey, like a holiday or trip, and its an experience, rather than something tangible. I think this helps me in my relationship, rather than seeing self-sacrifice or personal hardship as bricks in a house.

I don't want to get women off-side by writing this, its just that I see so mnay women in unhappy relationships, and most of the time they are amazing women. Amazing women who make bad decisions. Amazing women who lack the confidence, or self-belief to leave or build the reality they deserve.