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Originally Posted by Brianohio  I have just joined the community here. I have lurked and found most of the advice to my liking.
I have been married for 17 years. Last November she told me that she isn't in love with me. I moved out in June hoping to give her some space. I feel like my life was a joke, and I find it hard at times to keep pressing on. My whole story is in my blog. Just yesterday she told me that I need to get over our marriage and my love for her. She told me that she finds me condescending, and she feels that I think I am better than her. I know that I come off that way at times, and I have been working on myself for 6 months now. Please read my story if you have time and give me some advice either here of on my blog.
I am still a wreck inside!!!! "...if you only applied yourself." |
- You've done things to kill your wife's attraction for you.
But you aren't going to fix that by giving her space and moving out - that was wrong and doesn't work. While you are out of the family home and living away from your family, your wife is using you to heal emotionally and get over you and in the process you are feeling worse about yourself and getting nowhere fast - correct me if I'm wrong.
If I am right, let me know how good it feels to be in your position right about now?
First things first, get your life together.
Go to the gym, buy some new clothes, get a haircut, change your image, re-invent yourself. The quickest way to stop feeling bad about the poor slob you are right now is to stop being that person.
If your wife has no intention of reconciling, seeking marital counselling, etc, then sell the house and split up the assets.
Another thing.. who told you that you had to move out? What was this instinct that says, "hey, I'll move out and a few months from now she'll ask me to come back!!!" That doesn't happen.
I would go so far as to move back in the family home. She doesn't have more rights to it than you do. Unless you were physically abusing her (and if you were, you're a bum, no one is allowed to physically abuse anyone, man or woman), there is no reason why you can't live in your house. If she asks why you're back, tell her the lease is up on your apartment and your home is more comfortable. If she doesn't like it, offer the option to her that she can move out and you will even offer to help her move to a new place.
It's 2008, soon to be 2009. Men & Women are equal - there is nothing saying that you owe her the house and every possession while you live like a mook in some dingy apartment. Have some self-respect man, ask your wife to give you back the raisins you used to call balls, I'm sure they are somewhere in her purse.
OK, how did that feel to hear all that, not pretty good right? Obviously not but after reading your site, you're very down on yourself. Don't you have anything going for you?
I'll say it. You're a good guy, maybe you screwed up with your wife a bit but that doesn't make you Osama bin Ladin. Do you work, pay bills, taxes, take care of your kids. Don't you think you should receive some credit for that. You were lazy with your wife and condescending - probably but that isn't a tattoo that can't be changed/removed.
Do you want to improve? Do you want a better life? If so start showing it to your family, your kids, your friends, your wife(ex) and most importantly to yourself.
Time for a wake up call.... YOU ARE WORTH IT!!!
Today is the first day of the rest of your life, take a step in the right direction and become a better person for yourself and stop letting people run all over you. You sound more like a doormat than a human being. Don't let people treat you like that and more importantly start believing that you deserve better treatment.
There are two people in a relationship, you didn't do everything wrong all by yourself, she did some bad things too - I can guarantee it. Stop assuming all the faults and guilt of this failed relationship because in the end, it truly wasn't all your fault.
Hope I didn't come off too strongly but sometimes a person needs a jolt to snap out of their funk.